Testimony of Jill D.

This is just part of my testimony that I posted on an athiest blog yesterday in response to this statement: "Thus it is: a fetus cannot think or feel. So how is it wrong to kill one?" I wanted them to know how the abortion made me think and feel, and the fact that I was not a Chirstian at the time, so it was not my "religion" convicting me as they like to claim. Although I know now that what I had done was a sin, and that God was convicting me. I just couldn't see it at the time...

Well when is it ever wrong to kill someone who can not think or feel as you think they should in order to have the right to live? Who is the "great decider" of life? Does it change with the administrations? Why do you want to keep women in fear of giving birth? Why have you made childbirth so ugly ("forced labor") and make it seem as if it's a condition so unwanted that women feel they are left with no other choice but to abort out of fear? This ideal has robbed women of the true beauty of childbirth. A beautiful gift that only us women have, and only we can give. The fact that you want to keep women in a place of self-hate and pain is ignorant. True freedom and empowerment comes from being who we were created to be. It's about having the resources and support we need to act as women, not as men in the sense that we need to be "wombless" in order to be equal. Abortion is the suppressor of women. Abortion exploits women and turns them into murderers. Abortion destroys women, not pregnancy. Pregnancy is not a disease, it is life sustaining life.

I have had an abortion. So my baby could not "think" or "feel" as you claim, but what about me? I can certainly think and feel, and my abortion has haunted me for almost 16 years. At the time I was very confused and scared. I was only given information about abortion. I was told we had made a mistake that we needed to "fix." In my soul, I knew it was wrong, but I agreed and went along, because it did seem like it would fix our "problem." I was put to sleep for the abortion, I saw or heard nothing of the actual procedure. In fact, I really didn't even know what was even done to me or the "tissue."

Afterwards, I was not me. Who ever I was before the abortion, that person has never existed again. I felt tremendous grief, I had bouts of uncontrollable crying, I was in deep despair, my heart HURT, I was angry, I hated him for it, I had severe anxiety. Even though no one knew, I honestly felt that people knew what I did when they looked at me. I felt like an out of control crazy person, and it was deeply embarrassing. Why? I was not a Christian, I didn't attend church. No one knew about it except for us, there was nothing on the outside convicting me. So why? What about my thoughts and feelings?

I never even realized for all these years that it was the abortion that was making me feel this way. 16 years of torture all for a lie. It didn't "fix our problem" it created more. I couldn't stand to be with him anymore, I thought, "How can we have kids together in the future, when we killed our first one?" It affected all my subsequent pregnancies. I felt unworthy and unfit, like I didn't deserve to have a baby. I was extremely suicidal. My husband has found me with a tourniquet around my neck. When I was pregnant with my 2nd living child, I really believed I would give birth to him, and then walk down to the bridge over the river just a block away and jump off. I did not want to hurt another baby, I did not want to live.

I did not want to feel this way, I just wanted to be me, to be normal again. I had counseling on and off, been on different meds, self medicated, I grew up, got a degree, had a career, got married, had children, and nothing gave me my peace back. Nothing worked long term. I started to believe that I must just have some sort of genetic mental illness or something. It was just this past year that I finally saw abortion for what it was, and have been able to come to terms with it. That it was the murder of my own child that was haunting me. I saw for the first time what this aborted "tissue" looked like. It looks like a human, not just "tissue." It IS a human being. He or she was a part of me, as in came from my own flesh and blood, but was also his or her own being. I killed a part of me. My abortion hurt me. I was never able to grieve my loss, because it was suppose to be nothing! Just "tissue removal." Now that I have 4 living children, I can whole heartedly say that carrying a child to term for 9 months is NOTHING compared to the devastation abortion causes on a woman. Whether she comes to terms with it or not. Mind you no one else suspected it was the abortion that caused me so much trauma for so many years. Not even the ex-boyfriend who was the father of my aborted baby. Now looking back, he realizes it makes a lot of sense. So what about how I think and feel? What about how I was a "slave" to the deep despair of some how knowing on the inside that I killed my child, but not being able to come to terms with it on the outside? The fact that abortion made me a murderer.

Testimony of Suzie S.

This is my testimony. This is where I was! I became pregnant at the age of 19 and my boyfriend was 21, that was 29 years ago. When I found out I was pregnant I was scared. When I told my boyfriend he was also scared. Scared to tell his parents because he was the oldest and didn’t want to disappoint them. He told me... you can’t have this baby. So what was I to do? I felt I had no choice, but to have an abortion. When the day came my boyfriend picked me up and left me at the clinic. I was all alone with no one to support me. When the time came for me to have the abortion I was so scared I believe they explained what they were going to do…but I was numb all over. When they performed the abortion, day….I will never forget the sucking sound in that cold room. That was the day I died emotionally. I did care what happened to me, I was worth nothing. When my boyfriend picked me up and he took me home. I hid the abortion from my mom she just thought I was sick. From that day on we never talked about it again. I never grieved for my baby. This became my dirty little secret! I stayed with my boyfriend because I figured no one else would want me. I ended up marrying my boyfriend how stupid was that? Like I said earlier this was as good as it was going to be. I actually resented him for not standing up to his parents and protecting me. I lived in silent pain for many years. I ended up having twins at age 20, a boy and a girl. I thought to myself why is God giving me twins….when the year before I killed my baby. At 23 I had another boy. I loved my babies and I did the best I could with what I had. There was times when I couldn’t bond with them ….because I thought to myself you don’t deserve these babies. I punished myself for years. I felt trapped in marriage, I just wanted out. After 13 years of marriage we divorced. We stayed civil for our kids. I didn’t want my kids to feel the way I did not having a father in their life. We did the best we could to co-parent….I know I taught my kids things like hiding your emotions, having no peace with yourself. I never said I hated their dad, but they saw it. These were all unintentional. I didn’t wake up one day and say “I’m going to scar my kids” no that’s not it at all, but that’s all I knew.

And this is where God has taken me!

I remarried in 2002 to my high school sweetheart we were both 16 when we met. He was already a Christian, but had walked away from God due to issues in his life. During our marriage I always felt something was missing in my life….so I started asking him questions about Christ. He felt much conviction because he walked away from Christ. In 2008 I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, and my husband rededicated his life to Christ. When I started going to discipleship classes at church, I knew I had to let my dirty little secret out. Our pastor was our teacher and we talked about what I did. We prayed and I asked God to forgive me, I just needed help in forgiving myself. You see I blamed my ex-husband for many years that it was all on him. I knew God had forgiving me, but I just couldn’t forgive myself because I didn’t want to take responsibility for my choice, then when I realized I made that horrible choice too, I had to own it, take responsibility in that horrible decision and that is where I found my Freedom!

I am no longer ashamed of my past, my dirty secret. I have shared my testimony at church and when God opens the door. I am no longer a victim, I am a survivor. I now volunteer at a pregnancy center to counsels women who come in pregnant and don’t know where to turn.
I participated in an awesome bible study with four women at my church, it was dealing with our past. You know we can’t do anything about the past, but this class gave me answers as to why I made certain decisions in my life.

Here is a letter I wrote to my childhood system (my past)

Today, I hereby state and choose to say my last good-byes to my childhood system, the deceits and all the setbacks that I encountered because of these things. The devil wanted me to stay in that destruction, but God has set me free from all of that.

I say my last good bye to being lonely; with God in my life I am no longer alone. I say my last good bye to not hearing that you are not loved, because God tells me every day that he loves me. I say my last good bye to people pleasing; God is the one I choose to please. I say my last good bye to corrupt relationships, my relationship with God will make my relationships healthier. I say my last good bye to forgiveness upon myself. God forgave me the first time I asked him. I say my last good bye to my abandonment issues; God has promised he will never abandonment me. I say my last good bye to all the disapproval issues, God will lift me up when I’m down. This is it and no more……… big sent off, farewell, goodbye, adios, ta ta, to all this damage that the devil wanted me to stay in.
Hello to my Life in Jesus Christ.

If you struggle with the pain of abortion or if you know someone struggling, there is help! Email

They Say I Shouldn't Be Allowed To Live

by Carrie Holland Fischer on November 4, 2012

I was out shopping one day and overheard a conversation that made me all the more determined to stand up for the right to life. The conversation was about taxpayer dollars and abortion. As I listened. I realized that I was the subject and my right to life was being questioned. A lady was talking about how “people like me” were a burden on society and how I was the reason abortion existed. “If people like me” were aborted, then taxpayers dollars wouldn’t be wasted and spent on having to “take care of us.” There would be more money for other people and programs. I could feel the anger rising on the inside of me. “People like me?!!” I turned and asked. “Are you saying that just because I was born a certain way that I shouldn’t have been allowed to live? She looked at me and then started talking about how “people like me” couldn’t possibly have a happy or fulfilling life. We would never have a successful, quality life anyway. What was the purpose for us being born? By this time I was really angry and wanted to get in her face. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to live? Because I look different? What about those who were conceived in rape or incest? Do they not have the right to live? The lady looked at me and asked, “Do you really think it’s fair to let them live, knowing the hardships they will face? Can you imagine the teasing and bullying they will have to endure?” I do understand, because I went through that for most of my life. I was teased constantly by my peers, and even by my teachers. The lady stood firm in her belief that “people like me” were better off aborted. I stood by my belief that everyone should have the right to life. Who was this lady to judge me? Who was she to decide who should live or die? How did she know what kind of life I would have? Before she walked away, I told her. “One day you’re going to get old and it’ll be my tax dollars paying your Medicaid or Medicare. What if I were to consider you a waste of my money? What if I were to say you are old and no good, you should be dead? Think about that next time you want to criticize and complain about “people like me.” The lady looked at me and walked away.