Testimony of Deedra M.

Deedra M.

My Voice for Her Life

My mouth shall speak the praise of the Lord: and let all flesh bless his holy name for ever and ever. Psalm 145:21

It is that moment every woman lives in fear of. The one you feel in slow motion as you are told the fateful words medical emergency. You find yourself being whisked passed a crowed of ill people who can wait to a room reserved for you because this time you can’t wait. Lying helpless on a bed in a hospital ER you realize just how short life really is. This is not a random story I am telling, but the story of my first pregnancy. As it has been said before, this is the ugly truth; my truth. 

Who the people are around me name for name is really not important, but the person inside of me is very important. For this is my voice for her life. She is my daughter and my blessing from God. Today she is 12 years old and I am her Mother.
 

It was July 14th 1999 and I was four months pregnant. Having lost suddenly the use of my legs and developed spasms it was determined that I should undergo a non-dye MRI. Having seen my films the tech rushed out handed them to me and told my husband to drive me straight to the local ER the doctors were waiting to admit me. I will never forget this day it was my birthday and the first time I had ever come face to face with the abortion mentality.
 

If you would have told me the year before as I wrote a paper arguing against abortion that a day would come that I would have to argue face to face with a doctor for the life of my child I would not have believed you. Standing in front of my senior class reading my hot topic paper just a year before I was so naive to what this topic meant to me and any child I should bare.
 

There in that hospital room faced with a life threatening illness I discovered the ugly side of medicine. As the doctor painted a clear picture of the only option he had in mind for my health care I found myself repulsed and angered as well as terrified. I said to the doctor I will not have an abortion several times. His view was that I was not excepting of the medical situation. So he turned to my husband trying to get consent to abort our child and do the needed spinal surgery to remove the tumor that was killing me. He simply refused to give me another option right away.
 

After a long verbal battle he finally gave me option number two. He felt then I should allow surgery to be done while I was pregnant and they would simply give my child no regard. If the baby lived so be it if not so be it. I couldn’t live with that. I knew in my heart they would let her die. It was not an option any more worthy of choice than the one before. Having voiced my objection and made very clear that under no circumstance would I allow my child’s life to be treated as less than equal to my own the doctor then turned once more to my husband. He made it clear that if I would not willingly do as he wished he could then find me mentally incompetent and my husband could pick from one of the above for me. I continued to put up a fight and verbally protest. I quoted scripture and made a passionate argument for what felt like an eternity. Then by the grace of God two doctors stepped forward joining my side. They simply couldn’t allow me to be over ruled after hearing how well I made my arguments. I got option number three: early delivery and a fight for my child’s life and then surgery for me to fight for my life. I could live with this option it gave us both a fighting chance. It respected God’s love for us both! Why this option was the last one and in the medical professional’s view, the least favorable, I will never understand.
 

It is twelve years later and my Daughter is happy and healthy. Choice number three is the best one I have ever made. Not a day goes by that I don’t believe that God has kept us both because of my choice to honor his word and will. I chose life for my child, I understood that I could die doing so, but I also understand now as I did then that God never promised me an easy life with no challenges he only promised to be with me threw out this life I live regardless of how long or short it might be.
 

I write this to let all women know that when you are pregnant you are your child’s first voice. What you speak will either bring life or death to them. Please speak life! It is wrong to view their lives as less than our own. Just because they are not born yet does not give us the right to hand out a death sentence upon them. No one will love, protect, and care for your child as you will. You must be fully ready no matter what should happen to do what gives your child a chance to live too. If you could close your eyes and for one moment tap into the feelings of what an unborn child must feel would you not fight harder for them. They are real living people. This is someone we are talking about not a something; a person whom you are sheltering inside your womb. Nurturing and for whom you are called to give voice for. You are your child’s first voice please speak up for their rights!
 

I was taught in civics class that my rights end where another’s rights began. Just because a child is in its mother’s womb does not give us the right to strip it of its rights. Does this fragile life not demand us all to speak up for it? To defend the rights the unborn child has if for no other reason simply because the child has rights! This is not about the mother’s rights, it is truly about the rights of her child and where they began the mother’s end. Please consider the consequences of stripping the rights from the weakest most vulnerable of us, the unborn child; does this not pave the way to strip away from the strongest of us our basic rights as well?
 

Consider what that one doctor would have cost me that day. Yes I might have lived through the surgery but I would have lost my right to be the mother of a wonderful 12 year old who is a wondrous blessing to my life. She is someone not only worth knowing, but also worth dying for. She is my daughter who laughs cries, plays, and wood works, loves taking pictures and has won many awards. Has captured my heart gave me joy and challenges me every day to be a better me. I would have lost a life full of richness that only being a mother can bring! All those years ago I couldn’t imagine how blessed I would be as a mother. I used my voice to speak life for my child with a hopeful heart. Today I can say that yes even if I would have died it would have been worth it, she was and is worth dying for. Nothing in life is without risk and becoming a parent is a great risk, but one that is worth taking. Do not let yourself be deprived of the chance to be a parent. Don’t let fear rule your life and strip you and your child of your voice!
 

If you are pregnant and struggling to decide if an abortion is something you should do, take one moment right now. Close your eyes and put your hand on your stomach. Visualize the child who is in your womb and ask yourself who is this child you carry? What life will they have? Will they laugh and cry and play like you once did? Will they change the world some day? Where will they go to school and where will they work? Who will they be… will they be your son or daughter…your best gift to God and this world? Pretend for one moment you can look them in the eyes… ask yourself this one question: Can I really pass a death sentence on someone I have not met yet? Know this, life is not meant to be easy and children are never convenient. God does not hand out perfection on this earth. We live this life to grow in our understanding of our own desperate need of God’s love. Jesus died for all of us, but not all of us will accept him. Should your child die for you as well? Who does the abortion do the most for? Will it really fix your broken life and give you a second chance? Imagine your dead lifeless child and the days after he or she is gone from you. Do you really think you will feel any different then? Will it make your pain go away? Think of having your child smile up at you and the great love you have to give to this child. Think of the days you could spend full of the joy a child can bring into your life. No it will not be easy and you will struggle, but in the end you will be blessed.
 

How will you be blessed? You will have a child smile up at you, need you, and fill your life with someone to love. You will watch as they grow up and find that there was always a place in this world for them. Most of all you will have had the chance to speak for anothers life, being empowered to be more than just your own voice. You are the voice of the next generation. The voice of life!

Testimony of Mary B.

Dear Friends, I really Don`t know how to start my life story. It will not be on my own strength but by God`s grace I can be able to share my life story. When I was a little child I could still remember that me and my younger sister we used to play with the german kids our neighbor. I used to dream to be married with a blue eyes foreigner and to have a baby blue eyes oneday. I came from a broken family. My father was an alcoholic and drug addicted and he used to hurt my mother physically. He is irresponsible so my mother left us when I was about 2 and half yrs old. She worked in Kuwait as a domestic helper for years ans she never came back for us since then. It`s so hard growing up without mother on your side when you needed her most. When I feel like giving up and no one to help you. My grandparents took care of us. I love my grandmother for not giving us away but my grandfather was not good to us. He started to harassed me in the middle of the night, I was 13 yrs old then. It took years he kept doing this stupid things to me. I was so scared and his footsteps makes me panic. he wanted to rape me even he has a mild stroke when I was at the age of 15 but I run out of the house to stay away from his malicious touch an thoughts. Then that was the time I learned how to smoke cigarettes and get drunk with my friends. It is the only way I could forget the fears I felt inside. I kept my grades high at the same time during my highschool life and pretending I was okay. I became rebellious. I met bad a pastor through a friend.i was looking for a father`s love but he twisted the bible meanings that sex is a relation or communion with God between him and God. He took my virginity when I was 16 and he promised to help me with my studies and school fees.. But that was all big lies. Later I realized i was not the only the victim he victimized sexually abused minor age girls at the church also including me. He accused me that I`m making a story and that I am a lier. No one believes on me. I am so confused and hurt so much, so I took all of his medicines to end up my life that way but i survived and some of my friends at the church abandoned me and they told me things like that I am going insane. I am so downhearted and asked God so many questions why life is so hard. where is the love?... I accept Christ that time but still I have hatred in my heart and no peace. I worked as a masseuse and done bad things just to support myself and to help my grandma to buy food for our hungry stomachs... We don`t have a permanent house. We used to transfer a lot from another house to another house for years while growing up and been sleep in the sidewalk box wooden wheel house so that we could have a place to stay. I grabbed the opportunity to work as a dancer in Kora but I end up as a dancer, It`s a human trafficking that exploits woman as a paid sex worker. I got no choice when I got there and just do the work because my grandma needs my help. She was in many debts and we need to buy a lot to have our house of our own. I experienced date raped, sexually active, I went onto several failed relationships and I got pregnant with a german customer who forced me to have sex with him. I couldn`t believed that I was pregnant holding the pregnancy test. I was shocked. I tried to call the father of my baby. He denied the baby and told me hurtful things... and I cried so loudly thinking he would help me and instead he said to me that he wanted to abort our baby. I went to his apartment but but he never showed his face to me again. I was totally devastated. I feel all alone. Don`t know what to do. I bought some doses of aspirins thinking that it was just a blood or I am just delayed. I can`t sleep, crying every night silently. I used to get myself drunk all the time. So I took the adviced of some of the girls at the club to have abortion. I was lying at the bed hospital for hours. quiet. My heart is full of anger and so much hate inside. Then, the nurse took me inside the abortion clinic. She injected something on me for me to sleep. I felt dizzy for awhile but I am still awake. I could feel the instruments they inserted on me, I panic for they taking away my 39 days baby inside my womb. I said in a whisper to stop it but it was too late. I lost her because of my stupidity and fears... I am so bad.. My baby was gone. It`s almost 8 years ago but still the pain and shame of what I`ve done to her still hurts me. I hate myself so much and I`ve tried to hurt myself often by punching my legs, banging my head on the wall, throwing things to let my heartaches and let my tears flow out when I am alone in the room. It breaks not only my heart but my soul. I am thinking that I am not deserving to be loved or to live but deserve to die and go to hell. I fall inlove and had some relationships but they all abandoned me because of this and my past sins. I feel unlove, unworthy, rejected. Inferior and lonely. I could feel she was a girl and I named my baby "Samara"... I know she is in heaven now with the loving arms of Jesus. Jesus embracing her so dearly. When I imagined about her, I am thinking she has a beautiful blue eyes and cute. If only I have a time machine, If only I could turn back time and make things right... I know it will take time or years before I experience the complete healing from abortion and from all the bad memories. It`s only by the grace of God that gives me hopes everyday of my life. His unconditional loves for me gives me strength to live the life to the fullest by trusting Him to set me free from all the bondages of sins that prisoned me for so long... I just like like to thank God for His goodness and mercy and that I come up with this helpful group that welcomes me so dearly and with love.... Thank you very much..... God bless us all.....

Testimony of Jill D.

This is just part of my testimony that I posted on an athiest blog yesterday in response to this statement: "Thus it is: a fetus cannot think or feel. So how is it wrong to kill one?" I wanted them to know how the abortion made me think and feel, and the fact that I was not a Chirstian at the time, so it was not my "religion" convicting me as they like to claim. Although I know now that what I had done was a sin, and that God was convicting me. I just couldn't see it at the time...

Well when is it ever wrong to kill someone who can not think or feel as you think they should in order to have the right to live? Who is the "great decider" of life? Does it change with the administrations? Why do you want to keep women in fear of giving birth? Why have you made childbirth so ugly ("forced labor") and make it seem as if it's a condition so unwanted that women feel they are left with no other choice but to abort out of fear? This ideal has robbed women of the true beauty of childbirth. A beautiful gift that only us women have, and only we can give. The fact that you want to keep women in a place of self-hate and pain is ignorant. True freedom and empowerment comes from being who we were created to be. It's about having the resources and support we need to act as women, not as men in the sense that we need to be "wombless" in order to be equal. Abortion is the suppressor of women. Abortion exploits women and turns them into murderers. Abortion destroys women, not pregnancy. Pregnancy is not a disease, it is life sustaining life.

I have had an abortion. So my baby could not "think" or "feel" as you claim, but what about me? I can certainly think and feel, and my abortion has haunted me for almost 16 years. At the time I was very confused and scared. I was only given information about abortion. I was told we had made a mistake that we needed to "fix." In my soul, I knew it was wrong, but I agreed and went along, because it did seem like it would fix our "problem." I was put to sleep for the abortion, I saw or heard nothing of the actual procedure. In fact, I really didn't even know what was even done to me or the "tissue."

Afterwards, I was not me. Who ever I was before the abortion, that person has never existed again. I felt tremendous grief, I had bouts of uncontrollable crying, I was in deep despair, my heart HURT, I was angry, I hated him for it, I had severe anxiety. Even though no one knew, I honestly felt that people knew what I did when they looked at me. I felt like an out of control crazy person, and it was deeply embarrassing. Why? I was not a Christian, I didn't attend church. No one knew about it except for us, there was nothing on the outside convicting me. So why? What about my thoughts and feelings?

I never even realized for all these years that it was the abortion that was making me feel this way. 16 years of torture all for a lie. It didn't "fix our problem" it created more. I couldn't stand to be with him anymore, I thought, "How can we have kids together in the future, when we killed our first one?" It affected all my subsequent pregnancies. I felt unworthy and unfit, like I didn't deserve to have a baby. I was extremely suicidal. My husband has found me with a tourniquet around my neck. When I was pregnant with my 2nd living child, I really believed I would give birth to him, and then walk down to the bridge over the river just a block away and jump off. I did not want to hurt another baby, I did not want to live.

I did not want to feel this way, I just wanted to be me, to be normal again. I had counseling on and off, been on different meds, self medicated, I grew up, got a degree, had a career, got married, had children, and nothing gave me my peace back. Nothing worked long term. I started to believe that I must just have some sort of genetic mental illness or something. It was just this past year that I finally saw abortion for what it was, and have been able to come to terms with it. That it was the murder of my own child that was haunting me. I saw for the first time what this aborted "tissue" looked like. It looks like a human, not just "tissue." It IS a human being. He or she was a part of me, as in came from my own flesh and blood, but was also his or her own being. I killed a part of me. My abortion hurt me. I was never able to grieve my loss, because it was suppose to be nothing! Just "tissue removal." Now that I have 4 living children, I can whole heartedly say that carrying a child to term for 9 months is NOTHING compared to the devastation abortion causes on a woman. Whether she comes to terms with it or not. Mind you no one else suspected it was the abortion that caused me so much trauma for so many years. Not even the ex-boyfriend who was the father of my aborted baby. Now looking back, he realizes it makes a lot of sense. So what about how I think and feel? What about how I was a "slave" to the deep despair of some how knowing on the inside that I killed my child, but not being able to come to terms with it on the outside? The fact that abortion made me a murderer.

Testimony of Nancy B.

When abortion became “legal” I was 16 and pregnant. My friends told me it was no big deal and that they knew where I could go to make it go away. I hardly gave it a thought, just wanted to go back before being pregnant. I was so naïve. We went and got the pregnancy test. The day of the appt we had to stop, I got sick on the way. I remember having to go up stairs to an office behind a building. I was called in, was given the D&C (many women get d&c’s, it’s just a cleaning out of the uterus they told me, no big deal). All that remained was the bloodstained pad I wore. Now that it was over I could get on with my life, I felt relieved. I remember lying in bed when I got home which seemed like for days. Depressed, guilty, not understanding why. My friends wanted me to go to a music festival, I lay there, didn’t want to see anyone. Nobody talked about what had just happened, I didn’t talk about it either. My life spiraled down the road of despair – drinking, drugs, sex. I didn’t even know why I was going to college. The drinking and drugs continued, sex with a new boyfriend. I hardly attended class. I was withdrawn, depressed. I did all kinds of drugs. A friend told me I should get help, what did she know, I thought. I dropped out of college and moved back home, I wasn’t college material. After a while I decided to go to Tech school. It was good, yet the drugs continued and the sex. I got pregnant and quit school, got a full time job, had the baby, then got married. It just seemed the right thing to do. I got married for security reasons. It wasn’t long before my husband told me he was having an affair. We had two children. My life was shattered. I couldn’t bear the pain. Our family never had a chance to develop and our marriage meant even less. I took the children and left him but continued to secretly see him. Six months later I found out I was pregnant again. I felt so alone, betrayed, no one understood what I was going through, no one supported me or encouraged me. Instead they said that I should get an abortion. And then told me I wasn’t fit to raise three children alone. I was ashamed of my pregnancy, I felt scandalized and cheap. I blamed myself. So, one cold freezing day in November my sister took me. It was a darker place than last time and again I went up the stairs. I remember lying on the table. I heard the clinking of instruments, the vacuum. I tried to mentally remove myself from the surroundings. Afterwards, I was taken to a room to recover. There was another girl there, she was sad. We didn’t talk. As I lay there, I knew that I had rejected God and ignored His plea to trust Him. I felt so empty. On the way back down the stairs I remember people in a lab examining things, my baby probably. Upon reaching the parking lot, God provided a sign to me, a car with a Satanic Symbol bumper sticker. It confirmed to me that I had just participated in an evil act and had indeed turned away from God. I was so disgusted with myself and was helplessly longing for love that I retuned to my husband. A year later, I had the baby boy that everyone in the family adored, except me. I loved him and my two girls, but didn’t understand at the time I was suffering post-abortion stress. I felt like an inadequate mother. There was so much guilt and shame, I lived in darkness. One day I had a vision of Jesus in the Agony of the Garden. I felt like it was the end of the world. It was Good Friday; I ran to confession and confessed my abortions. Shortly afterwards, my husband started a new affair, this time with the babysitter. I became self-abusive; I cried so much I wished I would die. I packed my bags and the kids and I left. I was a lonely single mother. I loved my kids and truly enjoyed spending time with them; we had so much fun together. I didn’t give myself time to heal; I buried my pain and clung to the first man that entered my life. Then I had a break down. I felt so unworthy of being a mother to my children. I felt that my children would be better off without me. So, I left. I didn’t tell anyone where I was going. I withdrew from the world. I spent days in my new boyfriend’s apartment, lying in the bedroom. He was very supportive and his family was caring and Catholic. They encouraged me to go to college. They didn’t know of the abortions and he didn’t either. I felt I had to prove to myself that I could accomplish something this goal. The children would come to stay on the weekends. It was good most times. God was continuing to call me to return to Him. I returned to Mass. My boyfriend became Catholic and we got married. After a year of happiness it started to get more and more difficult. He was very controlling, verbally abusive; I refused to acknowledge it. I felt that I deserved it and accepted this way of life. My relationship with my children was deteriorating before my eyes. But I kept faithful to God, praying for the best to come of my situation. I heard about Rachel’s Vineyard and attended the first RV in our diocese in 2007, without the support of my husband. The weekend retreat changed my life. I was finally able to grieve my loss and accept God’s forgiveness and to forgive myself. I accepted that my children are with Jesus. My life of darkness replaced with His light. I started going to counseling and was treated for depression. My relationship with my children got better. God gave me the courage to end the abusive relationship I was in and to accept that He had better plans for me plans to give me hope and a future. After attending my first March for Life in 2009 I felt a tug on my heart to be Silent No More. I have learned to put my trust in God alone; He does not condemn me, my children in heaven do not condemn me. My children with me during my time on earth do not condemn, I do not condemn me. He is the One that gives me the courage to speak the truth. I hope that my testimony can be used towards the day when no more babies die and no more mothers cry. Because of this, I am Silent No More.

Testimony of Rosie

I have gone thru 2 unwanted pregnancies and 1 pregnancy that I wanted very much but she died. As for the 2 unwanted pregnancies, of course we know I aborted the one or two. I always wanted twins and who knows it might have been my twins I always wanted. The pregnancy I aborted might have been my twins. Yes, I have confessed my sin and I believe God has forgiven me because that is his word. My children all know about the abortion, not because I am proud of it (cos I AM NOT) but because If I can help them or anyone else to not go thru what I have, then I will! I went thru a lot of Pain & Agony because of that abortion. That abortion hurt more physically than any of my labor & deliveries. I felt like my insides were coming out, then afterwards I found out how my baby(s) was killed. It really was a nightmare and agony! For a long time I couldn't accept God's forgiveness. I cried many nights. Finally the only thing that did help me is that I know God has forgiven me and that my daughter Amanda would not be here if I hadn't gotten the abortion. I would have been pregnant, (3 months after my abortion I got pregnant again) therefore I couldn't have gotten pregnant for her. The other unwanted pregnancy was for my son Tadd. I had just gotten back with my husband George after a 3 yr separation w/ us being in different states. I had gotten saved, he said he had changed, so we thought we may be able to work it out. He began being abusive again and I knew it wouldn't change so we separated again and finally divorced. I begged God to make me have a miscarriage, all along my pregnancy. I did not want another baby by myself. My son Tadd, had a lot of problems during labor and delivery. I didn't get to touch him till he was 3 days old or hold him for a week. All the time in labor and delivery I was begging God to NOT take my baby. My pregnancy I wanted very much was new husband and my last child, Allissa. We even prayed & ask God to save Allissa but unfortunately God didn't give us our little girl. God saw the whole picture not just a piece of the puzzle like we do. He knew it was best for her to go to heaven. She had 4 holes in her heart, a valve that wasn't closed & a missing bone between her knee and ankle. She could have been blind or deaf and definitely be worse than Down Syndrome. She probably would have been a Vegetable and that is no way of life. The Doctors encouraged us to make it easier on our family and abort her when I was about 6 months along. After everything I went through in the other abortion there is No way I would abort another baby! They even ask us to sign a do not resuscitate if she was born not breathing. We told them No, You do everything you can for her. She lived one day but was a beautiful baby and we are so thankful that we trusted God! So yes My answer about abortion is different than years ago. Abortion should never have been legal in the first place, then I wouldn't have had my abortion. No I am not blaming anyone but myself. Yes I am a Christian, because I have accepted Jesus as my Savior, believe the Jesus was born of a virgin & believe the Jesus is the son of God. I pray for others and ask for forgiveness all the time.

God Bless You,
@}--\-,---
Rosie

If you struggle with the pain of abortion or if you know someone struggling, there is help! Email

Testimony of Suzie S.

This is my testimony. This is where I was! I became pregnant at the age of 19 and my boyfriend was 21, that was 29 years ago. When I found out I was pregnant I was scared. When I told my boyfriend he was also scared. Scared to tell his parents because he was the oldest and didn’t want to disappoint them. He told me... you can’t have this baby. So what was I to do? I felt I had no choice, but to have an abortion. When the day came my boyfriend picked me up and left me at the clinic. I was all alone with no one to support me. When the time came for me to have the abortion I was so scared I believe they explained what they were going to do…but I was numb all over. When they performed the abortion, day….I will never forget the sucking sound in that cold room. That was the day I died emotionally. I did care what happened to me, I was worth nothing. When my boyfriend picked me up and he took me home. I hid the abortion from my mom she just thought I was sick. From that day on we never talked about it again. I never grieved for my baby. This became my dirty little secret! I stayed with my boyfriend because I figured no one else would want me. I ended up marrying my boyfriend how stupid was that? Like I said earlier this was as good as it was going to be. I actually resented him for not standing up to his parents and protecting me. I lived in silent pain for many years. I ended up having twins at age 20, a boy and a girl. I thought to myself why is God giving me twins….when the year before I killed my baby. At 23 I had another boy. I loved my babies and I did the best I could with what I had. There was times when I couldn’t bond with them ….because I thought to myself you don’t deserve these babies. I punished myself for years. I felt trapped in marriage, I just wanted out. After 13 years of marriage we divorced. We stayed civil for our kids. I didn’t want my kids to feel the way I did not having a father in their life. We did the best we could to co-parent….I know I taught my kids things like hiding your emotions, having no peace with yourself. I never said I hated their dad, but they saw it. These were all unintentional. I didn’t wake up one day and say “I’m going to scar my kids” no that’s not it at all, but that’s all I knew.

And this is where God has taken me!

I remarried in 2002 to my high school sweetheart we were both 16 when we met. He was already a Christian, but had walked away from God due to issues in his life. During our marriage I always felt something was missing in my life….so I started asking him questions about Christ. He felt much conviction because he walked away from Christ. In 2008 I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, and my husband rededicated his life to Christ. When I started going to discipleship classes at church, I knew I had to let my dirty little secret out. Our pastor was our teacher and we talked about what I did. We prayed and I asked God to forgive me, I just needed help in forgiving myself. You see I blamed my ex-husband for many years that it was all on him. I knew God had forgiving me, but I just couldn’t forgive myself because I didn’t want to take responsibility for my choice, then when I realized I made that horrible choice too, I had to own it, take responsibility in that horrible decision and that is where I found my Freedom!

I am no longer ashamed of my past, my dirty secret. I have shared my testimony at church and when God opens the door. I am no longer a victim, I am a survivor. I now volunteer at a pregnancy center to counsels women who come in pregnant and don’t know where to turn.
I participated in an awesome bible study with four women at my church, it was dealing with our past. You know we can’t do anything about the past, but this class gave me answers as to why I made certain decisions in my life.

Here is a letter I wrote to my childhood system (my past)

Today, I hereby state and choose to say my last good-byes to my childhood system, the deceits and all the setbacks that I encountered because of these things. The devil wanted me to stay in that destruction, but God has set me free from all of that.

I say my last good bye to being lonely; with God in my life I am no longer alone. I say my last good bye to not hearing that you are not loved, because God tells me every day that he loves me. I say my last good bye to people pleasing; God is the one I choose to please. I say my last good bye to corrupt relationships, my relationship with God will make my relationships healthier. I say my last good bye to forgiveness upon myself. God forgave me the first time I asked him. I say my last good bye to my abandonment issues; God has promised he will never abandonment me. I say my last good bye to all the disapproval issues, God will lift me up when I’m down. This is it and no more……… big sent off, farewell, goodbye, adios, ta ta, to all this damage that the devil wanted me to stay in.
Hello to my Life in Jesus Christ.

If you struggle with the pain of abortion or if you know someone struggling, there is help! Email

My Abortion Testimony - Never The Same

                                   Abortion Testimony of Kimberly Kay
                                                           Never The Same

I have written my testimony several times. I think the one item that I have always left out, was my feelings. I read my writings from time to time, and don't feel much emotion from them. I still have a difficult time processing my feelings.

I had my daughter at the age of 16. I was sexually active beginning at 15. I kept my pregnancy from my friends, family, and even my boyfriend. When it became apparent that I was pregnant, my mother asked me if I was. I knew that I had a baby growing inside of me, but my mind was playing tricks on me. I was 7 months along by that time. My mother was surprisingly pleasant about the situation. Actually it was the first and last time I ever felt close to her. My father was hurt, angry, and most of all embarrassed. He wanted me to abort the baby. My mom stood up for me and explained to him that I was to far along. He stopped speaking to me. I became a ghost in his presents. I was extremely sad during that time.

I developed pr-eclampsia in my eighth month. It was scary, and I felt awful. I went to work with my mother the day before I delivered. I rested in a storage room for most of the day, but when it was time to leave, it was apparent to my mom that I needed medical care. She took me to St. Joseph Hospital in Denver. My blood pressure was extremely high and I was dehydrated, so they admitted me. They determined by ultrasound that my baby was developed enough to be born. I labored all through that night and into the next. It was horrible, to say the least. My mom stayed with me the entire time. I had other family members come and go. I don't remember a lot of the events because they gave me pain medication during my labor. The doctor was getting ready to perform a c-section at the 23rd hour of labor. He came in to check me one last time and I was fully dilated. I delivered my daughter at 6:05 am on April 27, 1981. My daughter's bio-father came to the hospital to see her. We broke up just a few months after her birth. She hasn't seen or spoken to him since.

I married when my daughter was just 2 years old. He was a friend of a friend. He was into drugs and had a felony history. I think I was desperate to get out from under my mother ever so judgmental hand. My father was an alcoholic the entire time I knew him. I got pregnant with my second child shortly after the wedding. It was a time in my life that I am not proud of. Drugs and survival was my daily regiment. My mom took care of my daughter a lot. I gave birth to my son on July 7, 1983. My husband was not a very desirable guy. He was abusive to my daughter and me. He cheated with other woman, stay out until all hours of the night, and drank alcohol and did drugs. I finally got up the courage to get out and stay out of the marriage. It was an awful time. I was also 3 to 4 months pregnant. I hadn't told my husband that I was pregnant. Maybe I knew I wasn't going to keep it. I made a phone call to my mom, she asked me what I was going to do, I told her I didn't know what to do. I expressed that I couldn't imagine having another tie to such an asshole. She made an appointment and picked me up the next day. I don't even remember the name of the clinic or it's exact location. I can't even tell you what the abortionist looked like, let alone his name. My mom flipped the bill and we haven't discussed it since that day. I don't even remember the date, it make me sad that I don't know the date my baby died.

I was taken into a procedure room, and can only remember the awful sound of the suction machine and the voices of the nurse and abortionist. They seemed like  inanimate objects to me Nothing seemed real, not even myself. I can remember getting a glimpse of by baby through the fogginess of the medication. I try not to think about the image, but I can't seem to get it out of my mind either. It all seems like it happened yesterday. It was actually 30 years ago.

Soon after my divorce, I of coarse got involved with another man. Again drugs and alcohol was his main priority. He was abusive to my kids. I got pregnant and married him had the baby and had a tubal ligation to prevent anymore children. We divorced shortly after that. He abused my son and daughter to the point his brother saw the bruises and encouraged me to get away from him. I took his advise and took the kids to the police station and pressed charges. He did spend a few days in jail and got a slap on the hand. It was a very messy divorce.

My relationship with Jesus Christ was off and on. I could feel a pull towards God, but never truly let myself go to him. I went through the motions of excepting as my Lord and Savior, but I was just going through the motions. I defended my abortion for years. I would see the protesters up in Longmont and feel disgust towards them and their lying signs. They were the enemy, the lost ones, not me. Those pictures they held up so proudly disgusted me, not because of what I had done, but because they weren't real. I thought how dare they hold those lying signs in front of people and children. I didn't want my kids exposed to that kind of disgust. I thought those pro-life people were the enemy, they seemed hateful.

I vowed that I would never marry again. I then met a man that was wonderful with my kids. I think that's why I fell in love with him. I thought that we would grow old together, that didn't happen. After 17 years of marriage, he had a couple of extra-marital affairs. We split up and divorced. By this time my kids were grown and my daughter was blessed with a son. For the first time in my life, I was alone and not dependent on anyone. I was taking care of myself and for the most part I was happy.

I met a man and fell deeply in love with him. He told me that he was a christian, that scared me, but at the same time it also intrigued me. He wasn't like any christian I had been around. This guy was fundamental to the core. He made me face a ton of built up crap in my life. Not from his pressure but just from his presence. It said it like it was, no holds bar. He talked a lot about his faith, the bible, and about he had been saved through the blood of Jesus Christ. After a few months I got really sick and went to the doctor because I had some huge lumps in my breast. I was really scared and so was Scott. The doctor took some blood while I was in his office, my blood count was dangerously low. He asked me about my periods and I told him that I had always suffered through that time of the month with heavy bleeding, clots, and horrible pain. He decided to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound. He discovered that the lining was full of blood. I was diagnosed with endometriosis and dysmennorrehea. I was placed on birth control (four pills a day) and injection 3 times a week to stop the internal bleeding. I was placed on bed rest. I needed surgery but it was to risky with such a low blood clot. Since I was stable, my doctor let me stay home. I went in 2 times a day to check my count. It was improving and my doctor okay-ed me taking a weekend trip that Scott had planned for my birthday. He purposed and I was so excited. I eventually had a total abdominal hysterectomy. Scott and I got married and started living our new lives.  To be continued :)

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