Monday, February 6, 2012

My Abortion Testimony - Never The Same

                                   Abortion Testimony of Kimberly Kay
                                                           Never The Same

I have written my testimony several times. I think the one item that I have always left out, was my feelings. I read my writings from time to time, and don't feel much emotion from them. I still have a difficult time processing my feelings.

I had my daughter at the age of 16. I was sexually active beginning at 15. I kept my pregnancy from my friends, family, and even my boyfriend. When it became apparent that I was pregnant, my mother asked me if I was. I knew that I had a baby growing inside of me, but my mind was playing tricks on me. I was 7 months along by that time. My mother was surprisingly pleasant about the situation. Actually it was the first and last time I ever felt close to her. My father was hurt, angry, and most of all embarrassed. He wanted me to abort the baby. My mom stood up for me and explained to him that I was to far along. He stopped speaking to me. I became a ghost in his presents. I was extremely sad during that time.

I developed pr-eclampsia in my eighth month. It was scary, and I felt awful. I went to work with my mother the day before I delivered. I rested in a storage room for most of the day, but when it was time to leave, it was apparent to my mom that I needed medical care. She took me to St. Joseph Hospital in Denver. My blood pressure was extremely high and I was dehydrated, so they admitted me. They determined by ultrasound that my baby was developed enough to be born. I labored all through that night and into the next. It was horrible, to say the least. My mom stayed with me the entire time. I had other family members come and go. I don't remember a lot of the events because they gave me pain medication during my labor. The doctor was getting ready to perform a c-section at the 23rd hour of labor. He came in to check me one last time and I was fully dilated. I delivered my daughter at 6:05 am on April 27, 1981. My daughter's bio-father came to the hospital to see her. We broke up just a few months after her birth. She hasn't seen or spoken to him since.

I married when my daughter was just 2 years old. He was a friend of a friend. He was into drugs and had a felony history. I think I was desperate to get out from under my mother ever so judgmental hand. My father was an alcoholic the entire time I knew him. I got pregnant with my second child shortly after the wedding. It was a time in my life that I am not proud of. Drugs and survival was my daily regiment. My mom took care of my daughter a lot. I gave birth to my son on July 7, 1983. My husband was not a very desirable guy. He was abusive to my daughter and me. He cheated with other woman, stay out until all hours of the night, and drank alcohol and did drugs. I finally got up the courage to get out and stay out of the marriage. It was an awful time. I was also 3 to 4 months pregnant. I hadn't told my husband that I was pregnant. Maybe I knew I wasn't going to keep it. I made a phone call to my mom, she asked me what I was going to do, I told her I didn't know what to do. I expressed that I couldn't imagine having another tie to such an asshole. She made an appointment and picked me up the next day. I don't even remember the name of the clinic or it's exact location. I can't even tell you what the abortionist looked like, let alone his name. My mom flipped the bill and we haven't discussed it since that day. I don't even remember the date, it make me sad that I don't know the date my baby died.

I was taken into a procedure room, and can only remember the awful sound of the suction machine and the voices of the nurse and abortionist. They seemed like  inanimate objects to me Nothing seemed real, not even myself. I can remember getting a glimpse of by baby through the fogginess of the medication. I try not to think about the image, but I can't seem to get it out of my mind either. It all seems like it happened yesterday. It was actually 30 years ago.

Soon after my divorce, I of coarse got involved with another man. Again drugs and alcohol was his main priority. He was abusive to my kids. I got pregnant and married him had the baby and had a tubal ligation to prevent anymore children. We divorced shortly after that. He abused my son and daughter to the point his brother saw the bruises and encouraged me to get away from him. I took his advise and took the kids to the police station and pressed charges. He did spend a few days in jail and got a slap on the hand. It was a very messy divorce.

My relationship with Jesus Christ was off and on. I could feel a pull towards God, but never truly let myself go to him. I went through the motions of excepting as my Lord and Savior, but I was just going through the motions. I defended my abortion for years. I would see the protesters up in Longmont and feel disgust towards them and their lying signs. They were the enemy, the lost ones, not me. Those pictures they held up so proudly disgusted me, not because of what I had done, but because they weren't real. I thought how dare they hold those lying signs in front of people and children. I didn't want my kids exposed to that kind of disgust. I thought those pro-life people were the enemy, they seemed hateful.

I vowed that I would never marry again. I then met a man that was wonderful with my kids. I think that's why I fell in love with him. I thought that we would grow old together, that didn't happen. After 17 years of marriage, he had a couple of extra-marital affairs. We split up and divorced. By this time my kids were grown and my daughter was blessed with a son. For the first time in my life, I was alone and not dependent on anyone. I was taking care of myself and for the most part I was happy.
I met a man and fell deeply in love with him. He told me that he was a christian, that scared me, but at the same time it also intrigued me. He wasn't like any christian I had been around. This guy was fundamental to the core. He made me face a ton of built up crap in my life. Not from his pressure but just from his presence. It said it like it was, no holds bar. He talked a lot about his faith, the bible, and about he had been saved through the blood of Jesus Christ. After a few months I got really sick and went to the doctor because I had some huge lumps in my breast. I was really scared and so was Scott. The doctor took some blood while I was in his office, my blood count was dangerously low. He asked me about my periods and I told him that I had always suffered through that time of the month with heavy bleeding, clots, and horrible pain. He decided to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound. He discovered that the lining was full of blood. I was diagnosed with endometriosis and dysmennorrehea. I was placed on birth control (four pills a day) and injection 3 times a week to stop the internal bleeding. I was placed on bed rest. I needed surgery but it was to risky with such a low blood clot. Since I was stable, my doctor let me stay home. I went in 2 times a day to check my count. It was improving and my doctor okay-ed me taking a weekend trip that Scott had planned for my birthday. He purposed and I was so excited. I eventually had a total abdominal hysterectomy. Scott and I got married and started living our new lives.  To be continued :)

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