This is my testimony. This is where I was! I became pregnant at the age of 19 and my boyfriend was 21, that was 29 years ago. When I found out I was pregnant I was scared. When I told my boyfriend he was also scared. Scared to tell his parents because he was the oldest and didn’t want to disappoint them. He told me... you can’t have this baby. So what was I to do? I felt I had no choice, but to have an abortion. When the day came my boyfriend picked me up and left me at the clinic. I was all alone with no one to support me. When the time came for me to have the abortion I was so scared I believe they explained what they were going to do…but I was numb all over. When they performed the abortion, day….I will never forget the sucking sound in that cold room. That was the day I died emotionally. I did care what happened to me, I was worth nothing. When my boyfriend picked me up and he took me home. I hid the abortion from my mom she just thought I was sick. From that day on we never talked about it again. I never grieved for my baby. This became my dirty little secret! I stayed with my boyfriend because I figured no one else would want me. I ended up marrying my boyfriend how stupid was that? Like I said earlier this was as good as it was going to be. I actually resented him for not standing up to his parents and protecting me. I lived in silent pain for many years. I ended up having twins at age 20, a boy and a girl. I thought to myself why is God giving me twins….when the year before I killed my baby. At 23 I had another boy. I loved my babies and I did the best I could with what I had. There was times when I couldn’t bond with them ….because I thought to myself you don’t deserve these babies. I punished myself for years. I felt trapped in marriage, I just wanted out. After 13 years of marriage we divorced. We stayed civil for our kids. I didn’t want my kids to feel the way I did not having a father in their life. We did the best we could to co-parent….I know I taught my kids things like hiding your emotions, having no peace with yourself. I never said I hated their dad, but they saw it. These were all unintentional. I didn’t wake up one day and say “I’m going to scar my kids” no that’s not it at all, but that’s all I knew.
And this is where God has taken me!
I remarried in 2002 to my high school sweetheart we were both 16 when we met. He was already a Christian, but had walked away from God due to issues in his life. During our marriage I always felt something was missing in my life….so I started asking him questions about Christ. He felt much conviction because he walked away from Christ. In 2008 I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, and my husband rededicated his life to Christ. When I started going to discipleship classes at church, I knew I had to let my dirty little secret out. Our pastor was our teacher and we talked about what I did. We prayed and I asked God to forgive me, I just needed help in forgiving myself. You see I blamed my ex-husband for many years that it was all on him. I knew God had forgiving me, but I just couldn’t forgive myself because I didn’t want to take responsibility for my choice, then when I realized I made that horrible choice too, I had to own it, take responsibility in that horrible decision and that is where I found my Freedom!
I am no longer ashamed of my past, my dirty secret. I have shared my testimony at church and when God opens the door. I am no longer a victim, I am a survivor. I now volunteer at a pregnancy center to counsels women who come in pregnant and don’t know where to turn.
I participated in an awesome bible study with four women at my church, it was dealing with our past. You know we can’t do anything about the past, but this class gave me answers as to why I made certain decisions in my life.
Here is a letter I wrote to my childhood system (my past)
Today, I hereby state and choose to say my last good-byes to my childhood system, the deceits and all the setbacks that I encountered because of these things. The devil wanted me to stay in that destruction, but God has set me free from all of that.
I say my last good bye to being lonely; with God in my life I am no longer alone. I say my last good bye to not hearing that you are not loved, because God tells me every day that he loves me. I say my last good bye to people pleasing; God is the one I choose to please. I say my last good bye to corrupt relationships, my relationship with God will make my relationships healthier. I say my last good bye to forgiveness upon myself. God forgave me the first time I asked him. I say my last good bye to my abandonment issues; God has promised he will never abandonment me. I say my last good bye to all the disapproval issues, God will lift me up when I’m down. This is it and no more……… big sent off, farewell, goodbye, adios, ta ta, to all this damage that the devil wanted me to stay in.
Hello to my Life in Jesus Christ.
If you struggle with the pain of abortion or if you know someone struggling, there is help! Email