Friday, March 2, 2012

Testimony of Jill D.

This is just part of my testimony that I posted on an athiest blog yesterday in response to this statement: "Thus it is: a fetus cannot think or feel. So how is it wrong to kill one?" I wanted them to know how the abortion made me think and feel, and the fact that I was not a Chirstian at the time, so it was not my "religion" convicting me as they like to claim. Although I know now that what I had done was a sin, and that God was convicting me. I just couldn't see it at the time...

Well when is it ever wrong to kill someone who can not think or feel as you think they should in order to have the right to live? Who is the "great decider" of life? Does it change with the administrations? Why do you want to keep women in fear of giving birth? Why have you made childbirth so ugly ("forced labor") and make it seem as if it's a condition so unwanted that women feel they are left with no other choice but to abort out of fear? This ideal has robbed women of the true beauty of childbirth. A beautiful gift that only us women have, and only we can give. The fact that you want to keep women in a place of self-hate and pain is ignorant. True freedom and empowerment comes from being who we were created to be. It's about having the resources and support we need to act as women, not as men in the sense that we need to be "wombless" in order to be equal. Abortion is the suppressor of women. Abortion exploits women and turns them into murderers. Abortion destroys women, not pregnancy. Pregnancy is not a disease, it is life sustaining life.

I have had an abortion. So my baby could not "think" or "feel" as you claim, but what about me? I can certainly think and feel, and my abortion has haunted me for almost 16 years. At the time I was very confused and scared. I was only given information about abortion. I was told we had made a mistake that we needed to "fix." In my soul, I knew it was wrong, but I agreed and went along, because it did seem like it would fix our "problem." I was put to sleep for the abortion, I saw or heard nothing of the actual procedure. In fact, I really didn't even know what was even done to me or the "tissue."

Afterwards, I was not me. Who ever I was before the abortion, that person has never existed again. I felt tremendous grief, I had bouts of uncontrollable crying, I was in deep despair, my heart HURT, I was angry, I hated him for it, I had severe anxiety. Even though no one knew, I honestly felt that people knew what I did when they looked at me. I felt like an out of control crazy person, and it was deeply embarrassing. Why? I was not a Christian, I didn't attend church. No one knew about it except for us, there was nothing on the outside convicting me. So why? What about my thoughts and feelings?

I never even realized for all these years that it was the abortion that was making me feel this way. 16 years of torture all for a lie. It didn't "fix our problem" it created more. I couldn't stand to be with him anymore, I thought, "How can we have kids together in the future, when we killed our first one?" It affected all my subsequent pregnancies. I felt unworthy and unfit, like I didn't deserve to have a baby. I was extremely suicidal. My husband has found me with a tourniquet around my neck. When I was pregnant with my 2nd living child, I really believed I would give birth to him, and then walk down to the bridge over the river just a block away and jump off. I did not want to hurt another baby, I did not want to live.

I did not want to feel this way, I just wanted to be me, to be normal again. I had counseling on and off, been on different meds, self medicated, I grew up, got a degree, had a career, got married, had children, and nothing gave me my peace back. Nothing worked long term. I started to believe that I must just have some sort of genetic mental illness or something. It was just this past year that I finally saw abortion for what it was, and have been able to come to terms with it. That it was the murder of my own child that was haunting me. I saw for the first time what this aborted "tissue" looked like. It looks like a human, not just "tissue." It IS a human being. He or she was a part of me, as in came from my own flesh and blood, but was also his or her own being. I killed a part of me. My abortion hurt me. I was never able to grieve my loss, because it was suppose to be nothing! Just "tissue removal." Now that I have 4 living children, I can whole heartedly say that carrying a child to term for 9 months is NOTHING compared to the devastation abortion causes on a woman. Whether she comes to terms with it or not. Mind you no one else suspected it was the abortion that caused me so much trauma for so many years. Not even the ex-boyfriend who was the father of my aborted baby. Now looking back, he realizes it makes a lot of sense. So what about how I think and feel? What about how I was a "slave" to the deep despair of some how knowing on the inside that I killed my child, but not being able to come to terms with it on the outside? The fact that abortion made me a murderer.

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