Refusing to Forgive: 9 Steps to Break Free

By Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

I see it every day. We all hold grudges against other people who we feel have hurt or offended us in some way or another. We even hold these grudges for people who aren’t even alive anymore. We do this with the false idea that somehow we are making them suffer by being hurt and angry with them. Now, there is nothing wrong with being angry with someone, but it is how we express this anger that makes all the difference on us and our relationships . What is a grudge anyway? May it is harboring ill feelings toward another in the need to settle a score.
Let’s try a little experiment. Think of someone in your life right now (maybe not the most extreme person) who you are absolutely holding a grudge against right now. There is no way you are willing to forgive this person right now for their actions. Picture that person and hold onto that unwillingness to forgive. Now, just observe what emotions are there; Anger, resentment, sadness? Also notice how you are holding your body right now, is it tense anywhere or feeling heavy? Now bring awareness to your thoughts; are they hateful and spiteful thoughts?
Most people who I do this with find this to be an uncomfortable experiment that elicits feelings of tension, anger, and thoughts of ill will toward the other person. This is not conjuring these feelings out of nowhere; this is just bringing to light what is already within stirring around. There is a common misperception that forgiveness means condoning the act of the other person. Forgiveness simply means releasing this cycle of torture that continues to reside inside.
Forgiving does not mean forgetting or condoning! Forgiveness is for the person who was perpetrated, not the perpetrator. It is saying, “I have already been offended against, I am going to let go of this so I don’t continue to be burdened by it.” You have already been tortured once, why continue letting this torture you by holding onto it with the erroneous belief that holding onto it is somehow hurting the other person. The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce stress, anger, and depression and support many aspects of well-being and happiness.
Like many things, this is easier said than done depending on the person and level of offense. In his book, Forgive for Good, Fred Luskin, Ph.D. lays out 9 steps to forgiving for you!

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.
2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.
3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”
4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years -ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.
5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.
6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.
7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.
8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.
9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

Coping With Rejection

Will I experience rejection after I become a Christian?

Yes - the Bible teaches that as a Christian, you will be rejected and persecuted by the world. Our example, Jesus Christ, was rejected by many during His time here on earth. He was rejected by:

His family (John 7:3-5; 1 Cor. 15:7).

His neighbors and friends (Mark 6:1-6).

The religious leaders (Matthew 12:14; Matthew 23).

His own people, the Jews (John 8:48-59).

His disciples (John 6:53-66; Matthew 26:56).

Sharing Christ’s Suffering. Jesus taught His followers that they would be rejected just as He himself was rejected (Matthew 10:24,25; John 15:18-21).

What are some general principles for coping with rejection?

Understand the true nature of rejection. Often the rejection that comes from believing in Christ is of a very personal nature. It feels as though you are being rejected for who you are as a person and it can be very painful. But it’s important to remember that ultimately it is Christ they are rejecting. You are being rejected only because you have chosen to follow Him (John 15:19; Acts 7:51-60). Remember what Ephesians 6:11-12 says—our real enemy is Satan.

Recognize you are not alone. Rejection can leave you feeling very isolated. But you should be aware of the fact that you are not the only one who has experienced rejection. As you have seen above, Jesus went through the same kind of pain. Notice what He said you should keep in mind when being rejected (Matthew 5:12). God will be with you (Hebrews 13:5). There is comfort in knowing that no matter how many others may reject you, God will never leave you.

Keep the goal in sight. The verse you just read gives another principle for coping with rejection

- remember your reward! (Matthew 5:11-12; 19:27-30; Luke 6:35; Philippians 3:8). God has promised to reward those who are faithful in spite of rejection and persecution (Hebrews 11:24-26). Also, remember what you were saved from (Matthew 16:24-26). The road to eternal life may be difficult, but the alternative is eternal death.

Pray for those who reject you (Matthew 5:44). Our attitudes and actions should imitate Christ. His own example was that he prayed for those who were killing him (Luke 23:34).

Find acceptance and friendship with your new family. As a Christian, you have a new family—the Church. Notice what Jesus said in Matthew 12:46-50. The church has a responsibility to reach out to new believers and befriend them. As a new convert, you should show yourself friendly and respond when people extend friendship in your direction.

What should I do if my spouse rejects me?

1 Corinthians 7:10-16 and 1 Peter 3:1-2 give advice on how you should handle being rejected by a spouse:

 If the unbelieving spouse rejects you completely and wants to leave the marriage, let them leave. If they remain unmarried, your desire should be for their salvation and for the restoration of your marriage relationship. If they marry someone else, you are no longer bound to them.

If the unbelieving spouse is willing to live with you, remain with them. God does not want you to divorce your spouse simply because you are now a Christian. Be willing to endure persecution from them with a Christ-like attitude.

As you remain in the relationship, live in such a way that your conduct will witness to them and they may be won without a word being spoken.

In extreme cases where the physical safety of your life/body may be threatened, separate from your spouse but do not pursue other relationships (1 Corinthians 6:19). Your prayer should be for their salvation and for the restoration of your marriage relationship.

What should I do if my family/parents reject me?

If you are young and still living under your parent’s care, you should remain submissive to them and show them respect in spite of their rejection. Be mighty through God in prayer. Many of the principles we looked at in the case of a rejecting spouse can also apply for rejecting parents (e.g. live in such a way that your good behavior is a witness to them).

If you have a family of your own, you may find it necessary to create boundaries to protect yourself and your children. Many times you may discover unbelieving grandparents encouraging your children to do things you forbid or being a bad influence on them (either by lifestyle or speech). In such cases you should be as kind and respectful as you can while still maintaining your own standards.

What should I do if my friends reject me?

In some cases such rejection may be a good thing (because those friends would only be a bad influence—1 Corinthians 15:33). Indeed, some friends may need to be rejected by you as their friendship can only lead to trouble (1 Peter 4:3-5).

If some of your friends respect your faith in Christ, you should remain friends with them and seek to win them to Christ. Prayer is your best weapon here; be firm but sensitive to when they need space/time to think about what you have said.

Turn to the church. As a Christian, you have a new family in the church. It is your responsibility to involve yourself as much as possible in the many activities available. Show yourself friendly.

Boyfriend/girlfriend (2 Corinthians 6:14). You may find yourself in a position where you have been saved but the person you are dating is still a sinner. In such a case, I advise you to be truthful and straightforward about the change in your life. It may be that you will win them to Christ. If they reject Christ and tell you that they will not continue the relationship unless you

give up your faith, you must be ready to break off the relationship. This can be a very difficult and painful experience. But remember, God will reward you for putting Him above all others!

What is going on in the minds of those who reject me?

It is helpful to understand what is going on in the minds of those who reject you. Often you are so focused on how you are being treated that you are unaware of how your faith affects others. Consider this:

 
Conviction. The change in the heart and life of a new convert is a tremendous source of conviction to their friends and family. Most sinners have some awareness that what they are doing is wrong. Your life serves to amplify this awareness and intensify their feelings of guilt. In a sense, you are making them miserable (actually it is their own stubbornness and rebellion but they will see you as the root case) (2 Corinthians 2:15,16).

Light provokes sin. The Bible teaches that when light and truth are focused on the sinful heart, it provokes more sin (Romans 7:8). Your good example will serve to inspire sin in those rejecting you so don’t be surprised if they become even worse than they were.

 
Justification. Sinners are constantly trying to justify their attitudes and actions to themselves and others in an attempt to ward off the feelings of guilt they have for their sin. You may find them trying to justify themselves to you.

Persecution. Many times the one rejecting you may persecute you hoping you will respond in kind—if you do, it will make them feel better to know you are really no different than they are. If you don’t, you will convict them all the more.

© 2009 Nathan E. Brown

Testimony of Deedra M.

Deedra M.

My Voice for Her Life

My mouth shall speak the praise of the Lord: and let all flesh bless his holy name for ever and ever. Psalm 145:21

It is that moment every woman lives in fear of. The one you feel in slow motion as you are told the fateful words medical emergency. You find yourself being whisked passed a crowed of ill people who can wait to a room reserved for you because this time you can’t wait. Lying helpless on a bed in a hospital ER you realize just how short life really is. This is not a random story I am telling, but the story of my first pregnancy. As it has been said before, this is the ugly truth; my truth. 

Who the people are around me name for name is really not important, but the person inside of me is very important. For this is my voice for her life. She is my daughter and my blessing from God. Today she is 12 years old and I am her Mother.
 

It was July 14th 1999 and I was four months pregnant. Having lost suddenly the use of my legs and developed spasms it was determined that I should undergo a non-dye MRI. Having seen my films the tech rushed out handed them to me and told my husband to drive me straight to the local ER the doctors were waiting to admit me. I will never forget this day it was my birthday and the first time I had ever come face to face with the abortion mentality.
 

If you would have told me the year before as I wrote a paper arguing against abortion that a day would come that I would have to argue face to face with a doctor for the life of my child I would not have believed you. Standing in front of my senior class reading my hot topic paper just a year before I was so naive to what this topic meant to me and any child I should bare.
 

There in that hospital room faced with a life threatening illness I discovered the ugly side of medicine. As the doctor painted a clear picture of the only option he had in mind for my health care I found myself repulsed and angered as well as terrified. I said to the doctor I will not have an abortion several times. His view was that I was not excepting of the medical situation. So he turned to my husband trying to get consent to abort our child and do the needed spinal surgery to remove the tumor that was killing me. He simply refused to give me another option right away.
 

After a long verbal battle he finally gave me option number two. He felt then I should allow surgery to be done while I was pregnant and they would simply give my child no regard. If the baby lived so be it if not so be it. I couldn’t live with that. I knew in my heart they would let her die. It was not an option any more worthy of choice than the one before. Having voiced my objection and made very clear that under no circumstance would I allow my child’s life to be treated as less than equal to my own the doctor then turned once more to my husband. He made it clear that if I would not willingly do as he wished he could then find me mentally incompetent and my husband could pick from one of the above for me. I continued to put up a fight and verbally protest. I quoted scripture and made a passionate argument for what felt like an eternity. Then by the grace of God two doctors stepped forward joining my side. They simply couldn’t allow me to be over ruled after hearing how well I made my arguments. I got option number three: early delivery and a fight for my child’s life and then surgery for me to fight for my life. I could live with this option it gave us both a fighting chance. It respected God’s love for us both! Why this option was the last one and in the medical professional’s view, the least favorable, I will never understand.
 

It is twelve years later and my Daughter is happy and healthy. Choice number three is the best one I have ever made. Not a day goes by that I don’t believe that God has kept us both because of my choice to honor his word and will. I chose life for my child, I understood that I could die doing so, but I also understand now as I did then that God never promised me an easy life with no challenges he only promised to be with me threw out this life I live regardless of how long or short it might be.
 

I write this to let all women know that when you are pregnant you are your child’s first voice. What you speak will either bring life or death to them. Please speak life! It is wrong to view their lives as less than our own. Just because they are not born yet does not give us the right to hand out a death sentence upon them. No one will love, protect, and care for your child as you will. You must be fully ready no matter what should happen to do what gives your child a chance to live too. If you could close your eyes and for one moment tap into the feelings of what an unborn child must feel would you not fight harder for them. They are real living people. This is someone we are talking about not a something; a person whom you are sheltering inside your womb. Nurturing and for whom you are called to give voice for. You are your child’s first voice please speak up for their rights!
 

I was taught in civics class that my rights end where another’s rights began. Just because a child is in its mother’s womb does not give us the right to strip it of its rights. Does this fragile life not demand us all to speak up for it? To defend the rights the unborn child has if for no other reason simply because the child has rights! This is not about the mother’s rights, it is truly about the rights of her child and where they began the mother’s end. Please consider the consequences of stripping the rights from the weakest most vulnerable of us, the unborn child; does this not pave the way to strip away from the strongest of us our basic rights as well?
 

Consider what that one doctor would have cost me that day. Yes I might have lived through the surgery but I would have lost my right to be the mother of a wonderful 12 year old who is a wondrous blessing to my life. She is someone not only worth knowing, but also worth dying for. She is my daughter who laughs cries, plays, and wood works, loves taking pictures and has won many awards. Has captured my heart gave me joy and challenges me every day to be a better me. I would have lost a life full of richness that only being a mother can bring! All those years ago I couldn’t imagine how blessed I would be as a mother. I used my voice to speak life for my child with a hopeful heart. Today I can say that yes even if I would have died it would have been worth it, she was and is worth dying for. Nothing in life is without risk and becoming a parent is a great risk, but one that is worth taking. Do not let yourself be deprived of the chance to be a parent. Don’t let fear rule your life and strip you and your child of your voice!
 

If you are pregnant and struggling to decide if an abortion is something you should do, take one moment right now. Close your eyes and put your hand on your stomach. Visualize the child who is in your womb and ask yourself who is this child you carry? What life will they have? Will they laugh and cry and play like you once did? Will they change the world some day? Where will they go to school and where will they work? Who will they be… will they be your son or daughter…your best gift to God and this world? Pretend for one moment you can look them in the eyes… ask yourself this one question: Can I really pass a death sentence on someone I have not met yet? Know this, life is not meant to be easy and children are never convenient. God does not hand out perfection on this earth. We live this life to grow in our understanding of our own desperate need of God’s love. Jesus died for all of us, but not all of us will accept him. Should your child die for you as well? Who does the abortion do the most for? Will it really fix your broken life and give you a second chance? Imagine your dead lifeless child and the days after he or she is gone from you. Do you really think you will feel any different then? Will it make your pain go away? Think of having your child smile up at you and the great love you have to give to this child. Think of the days you could spend full of the joy a child can bring into your life. No it will not be easy and you will struggle, but in the end you will be blessed.
 

How will you be blessed? You will have a child smile up at you, need you, and fill your life with someone to love. You will watch as they grow up and find that there was always a place in this world for them. Most of all you will have had the chance to speak for anothers life, being empowered to be more than just your own voice. You are the voice of the next generation. The voice of life!

Testimony of Mary B.

Dear Friends, I really Don`t know how to start my life story. It will not be on my own strength but by God`s grace I can be able to share my life story. When I was a little child I could still remember that me and my younger sister we used to play with the german kids our neighbor. I used to dream to be married with a blue eyes foreigner and to have a baby blue eyes oneday. I came from a broken family. My father was an alcoholic and drug addicted and he used to hurt my mother physically. He is irresponsible so my mother left us when I was about 2 and half yrs old. She worked in Kuwait as a domestic helper for years ans she never came back for us since then. It`s so hard growing up without mother on your side when you needed her most. When I feel like giving up and no one to help you. My grandparents took care of us. I love my grandmother for not giving us away but my grandfather was not good to us. He started to harassed me in the middle of the night, I was 13 yrs old then. It took years he kept doing this stupid things to me. I was so scared and his footsteps makes me panic. he wanted to rape me even he has a mild stroke when I was at the age of 15 but I run out of the house to stay away from his malicious touch an thoughts. Then that was the time I learned how to smoke cigarettes and get drunk with my friends. It is the only way I could forget the fears I felt inside. I kept my grades high at the same time during my highschool life and pretending I was okay. I became rebellious. I met bad a pastor through a friend.i was looking for a father`s love but he twisted the bible meanings that sex is a relation or communion with God between him and God. He took my virginity when I was 16 and he promised to help me with my studies and school fees.. But that was all big lies. Later I realized i was not the only the victim he victimized sexually abused minor age girls at the church also including me. He accused me that I`m making a story and that I am a lier. No one believes on me. I am so confused and hurt so much, so I took all of his medicines to end up my life that way but i survived and some of my friends at the church abandoned me and they told me things like that I am going insane. I am so downhearted and asked God so many questions why life is so hard. where is the love?... I accept Christ that time but still I have hatred in my heart and no peace. I worked as a masseuse and done bad things just to support myself and to help my grandma to buy food for our hungry stomachs... We don`t have a permanent house. We used to transfer a lot from another house to another house for years while growing up and been sleep in the sidewalk box wooden wheel house so that we could have a place to stay. I grabbed the opportunity to work as a dancer in Kora but I end up as a dancer, It`s a human trafficking that exploits woman as a paid sex worker. I got no choice when I got there and just do the work because my grandma needs my help. She was in many debts and we need to buy a lot to have our house of our own. I experienced date raped, sexually active, I went onto several failed relationships and I got pregnant with a german customer who forced me to have sex with him. I couldn`t believed that I was pregnant holding the pregnancy test. I was shocked. I tried to call the father of my baby. He denied the baby and told me hurtful things... and I cried so loudly thinking he would help me and instead he said to me that he wanted to abort our baby. I went to his apartment but but he never showed his face to me again. I was totally devastated. I feel all alone. Don`t know what to do. I bought some doses of aspirins thinking that it was just a blood or I am just delayed. I can`t sleep, crying every night silently. I used to get myself drunk all the time. So I took the adviced of some of the girls at the club to have abortion. I was lying at the bed hospital for hours. quiet. My heart is full of anger and so much hate inside. Then, the nurse took me inside the abortion clinic. She injected something on me for me to sleep. I felt dizzy for awhile but I am still awake. I could feel the instruments they inserted on me, I panic for they taking away my 39 days baby inside my womb. I said in a whisper to stop it but it was too late. I lost her because of my stupidity and fears... I am so bad.. My baby was gone. It`s almost 8 years ago but still the pain and shame of what I`ve done to her still hurts me. I hate myself so much and I`ve tried to hurt myself often by punching my legs, banging my head on the wall, throwing things to let my heartaches and let my tears flow out when I am alone in the room. It breaks not only my heart but my soul. I am thinking that I am not deserving to be loved or to live but deserve to die and go to hell. I fall inlove and had some relationships but they all abandoned me because of this and my past sins. I feel unlove, unworthy, rejected. Inferior and lonely. I could feel she was a girl and I named my baby "Samara"... I know she is in heaven now with the loving arms of Jesus. Jesus embracing her so dearly. When I imagined about her, I am thinking she has a beautiful blue eyes and cute. If only I have a time machine, If only I could turn back time and make things right... I know it will take time or years before I experience the complete healing from abortion and from all the bad memories. It`s only by the grace of God that gives me hopes everyday of my life. His unconditional loves for me gives me strength to live the life to the fullest by trusting Him to set me free from all the bondages of sins that prisoned me for so long... I just like like to thank God for His goodness and mercy and that I come up with this helpful group that welcomes me so dearly and with love.... Thank you very much..... God bless us all.....

An Imagined Conversation Between God and a “Good Person”

By Bob Van Zandt 02/28/2012 19:31:00

The Good Person: WOW! All this time I didn’t think you were real… My bad. but I was a “good person”, so I guess it’s all good, right

God: No, it’s not “all good”

The Good Person: HA HA, I know you’re kidding… I mean it’s not like I was Hitler or anything, I was a good person, and went out of my way to help… most of the time.

God: I’m not laughing .. in fact your rejection of me makes me extremely sad.



The Good Person: Okay, Okay… I’m sorry.. But come on.. I went to Church.

God: You went a few times, but never invited me into your heart … By the way: your Aunt Nancy, the one who I brought home last year… the one who tried to open your heart to me… she says hello.. She’s hangs out in my Throne Room with me every day.

The Good Person: Aunt Nancy? The weird Jesus Freak? Ah, she was so annoying… Always wanting me to pray with her… Come on, you have to admit, she was just a little weird, right?

God: Excuse me! I happen to love her passion about the gift of my Son… You know, I sent Him to die for everyone… this included YOU. This was MY SON… MY ONLY SON… I sent Him to suffer FOR YOU. I sent Him to endure the most painful death imaginable, FOR YOU. And yet, you rejected every single invitation.

The Good Person: I was just joking, you know that… you’re God, right?

God: I am God. A reality you clearly rejected until you met me face to face. And, I know your heart… I know what you call “a joke” was really an attempt to justify your rejection of Me.

The Good Person: So I messed up… OK, I’m sorry… Don’t you forgive people like me?

God: I gave you every resource imaginable to accept the gift of my Son while you were alive, but you rejected Him… You rejected the Cross….
I gave you my Word, the Bible, the ultimate instruction manual, and you choose to listen only to those who would try to disprove it — but never could.
I told you how I created everything, but you choose to place more faith in coming from nothing, a “big bang”… I mean seriously… you thought you came from NOTHING?
You tried to publicly undermine the significance of MY SON by repeatedly demeaning my followers by referring to them as “freaks” or “holy rollers” and a whole host of other names.
You always knew in your heart that there was a something more to life, but you never thought I was important enough to seek out.
I told you through your Aunt Nancy to give up the ways of the world — they would lead to nowhere, but you laughed at her and chose to embrace worldly behaviors, without reservation…. and I know about each one of them.
You supported causes that rejected me, and then you turned around and cursed, mocked and blamed me when things didn’t work out.
…. unfortunately, you became your own god, of yourself…..
The Good Person: So what now?

God: I’m sorry, I don’t know you.

Put on the Full Armor of God

I just had a wonderful discussion with a friend. So uplifting to know that there are good people with huge hearts among us. In today's life struggles it's so easy to find ourselves in a whirlwind of overwhelming negativity. Sometimes it becomes difficult to hold up the shield that comes with our full armor of God.



Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. (Eph 6:13)



Sometimes life itself becomes so incredible heavy that it's difficult to hold ourselves up, let alone the ones that depend on us to be strong. I am surrounded by an amazing circle of friends and I am always grateful to feel that little tap on my shoulder and hearing, "hey, I'm here and I got your back". What's even my comforting is the feeling of God tightly holding onto my hand, and knowing that He will never let go. Sometimes when I struggle to keep my head above water, two little munchkins will look up at me and say, "Grammy, I love you so much" and "Grammy I want you", while holding out her arms for a hug. The best part is having two little beings snuggled up to you with blankies in tow, as you caress their hair and become overwhelmed with gratitude that the Lord has chosen you to love and guide these little creations through a very difficult world. Glory to Him! Even when others are using evil words and threatening the safety of the ones you are protecting, God is there. He holds you up and sometimes He squeezes your hand, sends someone to whisper in your ear, or sends a friend to your door. How amazing is that? He always rescues, not by making you feel dependent on your own inadequacy's, but by His faith and His love for each of us and hope for the future and strength in His word.

So...what exactly is the full armor of God?" It is the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of readiness and peace, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit.

When a country gets ready for battle (usually) they go with the right equipment and the best there is. You would not send a soldier to fight in a jungle wearing swimming trunks and carrying a water pistol. How can expect to "repel" Satan wearing flip flops and toting a missalette?

The FULL armor of God is sparked by prayer. The soldier's belt is equipped with tool (knife, holster, pistol, extra magazines, hand grenades) and is securely fastened at his waist - easily accessible. It is the foundation of all the equipment used in battle. Jesus is our foundation when we stand against Satan. The breastplate is similar to a bulletproof vest (only not nearly as lightweight as today's Kevlar vests). Remembering that our own efforts and good works will not protect us, we must make our focus on the cross - the righteousness we seek is found in Christ. Our preparation for battle must also the Gospel - the life, death and resurrection of Jesus brought us peace with God. This redemption allows us to fight with boldness, perseverance and peace! The shield - which was generally used as protection and when overlapped one with another, could form a "wall" of protection against the enemy. It also would protect them from flaming arrows shot into the air - we cannot rely on our own abilities in this battle against Satan - by Christ alone are we protected. Our helmet is the source of total deliverance - Jesus IS our deliverance! The sword is the Word of God - it is a powerful tool when used against the enemy and under the direction of the Spirit it has great power.

In all of that, we see that Jesus is our armor! He is our truth, our righteousness, our preparation and peace, the focus of our faith, and he IS the Word of God!

My friends, we are already at war, fighting an enemy who is crafty and clever. Without the protection and guidance of Jesus, we are doomed to fail. You may not have been called to fight at this point in your life, but the time will come and you must be prepared. Start shining up that armor so that when your turn to do battle when the enemy arises, you will already have on the full armor of God!

Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:21)

Testimony of Jill D.

This is just part of my testimony that I posted on an athiest blog yesterday in response to this statement: "Thus it is: a fetus cannot think or feel. So how is it wrong to kill one?" I wanted them to know how the abortion made me think and feel, and the fact that I was not a Chirstian at the time, so it was not my "religion" convicting me as they like to claim. Although I know now that what I had done was a sin, and that God was convicting me. I just couldn't see it at the time...

Well when is it ever wrong to kill someone who can not think or feel as you think they should in order to have the right to live? Who is the "great decider" of life? Does it change with the administrations? Why do you want to keep women in fear of giving birth? Why have you made childbirth so ugly ("forced labor") and make it seem as if it's a condition so unwanted that women feel they are left with no other choice but to abort out of fear? This ideal has robbed women of the true beauty of childbirth. A beautiful gift that only us women have, and only we can give. The fact that you want to keep women in a place of self-hate and pain is ignorant. True freedom and empowerment comes from being who we were created to be. It's about having the resources and support we need to act as women, not as men in the sense that we need to be "wombless" in order to be equal. Abortion is the suppressor of women. Abortion exploits women and turns them into murderers. Abortion destroys women, not pregnancy. Pregnancy is not a disease, it is life sustaining life.

I have had an abortion. So my baby could not "think" or "feel" as you claim, but what about me? I can certainly think and feel, and my abortion has haunted me for almost 16 years. At the time I was very confused and scared. I was only given information about abortion. I was told we had made a mistake that we needed to "fix." In my soul, I knew it was wrong, but I agreed and went along, because it did seem like it would fix our "problem." I was put to sleep for the abortion, I saw or heard nothing of the actual procedure. In fact, I really didn't even know what was even done to me or the "tissue."

Afterwards, I was not me. Who ever I was before the abortion, that person has never existed again. I felt tremendous grief, I had bouts of uncontrollable crying, I was in deep despair, my heart HURT, I was angry, I hated him for it, I had severe anxiety. Even though no one knew, I honestly felt that people knew what I did when they looked at me. I felt like an out of control crazy person, and it was deeply embarrassing. Why? I was not a Christian, I didn't attend church. No one knew about it except for us, there was nothing on the outside convicting me. So why? What about my thoughts and feelings?

I never even realized for all these years that it was the abortion that was making me feel this way. 16 years of torture all for a lie. It didn't "fix our problem" it created more. I couldn't stand to be with him anymore, I thought, "How can we have kids together in the future, when we killed our first one?" It affected all my subsequent pregnancies. I felt unworthy and unfit, like I didn't deserve to have a baby. I was extremely suicidal. My husband has found me with a tourniquet around my neck. When I was pregnant with my 2nd living child, I really believed I would give birth to him, and then walk down to the bridge over the river just a block away and jump off. I did not want to hurt another baby, I did not want to live.

I did not want to feel this way, I just wanted to be me, to be normal again. I had counseling on and off, been on different meds, self medicated, I grew up, got a degree, had a career, got married, had children, and nothing gave me my peace back. Nothing worked long term. I started to believe that I must just have some sort of genetic mental illness or something. It was just this past year that I finally saw abortion for what it was, and have been able to come to terms with it. That it was the murder of my own child that was haunting me. I saw for the first time what this aborted "tissue" looked like. It looks like a human, not just "tissue." It IS a human being. He or she was a part of me, as in came from my own flesh and blood, but was also his or her own being. I killed a part of me. My abortion hurt me. I was never able to grieve my loss, because it was suppose to be nothing! Just "tissue removal." Now that I have 4 living children, I can whole heartedly say that carrying a child to term for 9 months is NOTHING compared to the devastation abortion causes on a woman. Whether she comes to terms with it or not. Mind you no one else suspected it was the abortion that caused me so much trauma for so many years. Not even the ex-boyfriend who was the father of my aborted baby. Now looking back, he realizes it makes a lot of sense. So what about how I think and feel? What about how I was a "slave" to the deep despair of some how knowing on the inside that I killed my child, but not being able to come to terms with it on the outside? The fact that abortion made me a murderer.

Testimony of Lisa G

Abortion was not the answer...
I sat in church the other day beside my husband, listening to the yearly "Sanctity of Life" message. By now, it is a very familiar message for me. I have heard it many times, and even delivered it myself, both privately to individuals and publicly to large groups. Then the video began. Its message, too, is very familiar to me; the intricate design of life in the womb. Yet today, I was overcome with emotion…again. It was nearly uncontrolled emotion as I sat there and soaked in the images on the screen. I cried in complete humility of the Truth portrayed in the images, and for God’s amazing grace. I wretched as I tried to contain the sobs coming out of a complete and utter brokenness over the lies that women buy every day. I bought them too, twice…                   

Although I grew up in a home devoid of expressions of love, where anger was the dominant emotion, I was a very happy go lucky child. I spent most of my time outdoors and at my friend’s house. I loved to laugh and enjoyed being around people, especially babies. I have always loved babies. My dream was to be a wife and Mommy. I was sexually abused as a young child by a neighbor and that, coupled with the craving for love and acceptance I did not find at home, taught me to seek my “dream” in all the wrong ways. I became sexually active at 15. By 18 I was pregnant and married to a man who felt obligated after I refused to abort our baby. Five years later, we had a 4 year old and 6 week old daughter. My dream was once again shattered when I learned of his infidelity. Seeking comfort from another man outside my marriage, we separated shortly after. I continued in the relationship with this new man. Once again, I was using what I had been taught to gain acceptance. Six months into the relationship, I got pregnant. My first reaction was fear. Though I desperately wanted to live my childhood dream, the lies began creeping in. “If I keep this baby, then my husband will take my other 2 children away.” “If my parents find out, they will hate me” “I won’t be able to continue in Nursing School with another baby”… my boyfriend said he would support me in whatever I chose. The only friend I confided in responded, “Abortion is no big deal…I had one” It was sealed…Feeling as if I had no other choice, I exercised the legal “choice” to abort my baby.
 
I vividly remember sitting in the waiting room and pleading internally for someone to stop me. I wanted my boyfriend to step in and protect me and rescue me. I was screaming inside and wanted to run. Fear was the glue that held me there. I desperately wanted Hope…it would not come for years. The “counselor” at the Family Planning Clinic, seeing my tears, simply said, “It will be okay, honey. You are doing what’s best for you” I silently justified, “I have no other choice” Immediately following the procedure I was relieved it was over but I was numb, broken and empty. The finality of my empty womb set in almost immediately. Then the guilt came. Guilt overwhelming and consuming, yet I really couldn't even put a finger on it. After all...abortion is okay, right? It's legal. Many women have had abortions. It must be okay, right?
 
Two hours later I left that clinic with emptiness in my core being that would turn darker and darker as time went by. The ride home was silent, and we never mentioned it again. I became careless and almost daring myself to get pregnant again. I did, a year later. After experiencing heavy bleeding I went to my OB/GYN and was told I was miscarrying. A week later when I took another test and it was positive, I made an appointment for an abortion. I was so hardened by this time, I left feeling bold and confident.
 
Over the next several years, from time to time the issue of abortion came up in conversations at work, or with friends. I would express that I was “personally pro-life…but pro-choice for other people.” I remained SILENT about my “choices”. My boyfriend and I married after Nursing School and we had a daughter the next year. This pregnancy brought up many emotions for me. I had nightmares about a deformed baby, and I was terrified something was wrong with her. During delivery, my Physician even asked me why I was so afraid something was wrong with her. I made no connection between my irrational fears and my abortions. The anger within me grew. Still no one other than my husband and friend knew of my “choice.” Inwardly, there was a turmoil that was never settled. I resented my husband for insignificant reasons. I would swing from intense love to intense hatred for him. I was no longer the “happy go lucky” girl I had always been. My wittiness turned more to sarcasm and condescending stabs at other people, even my children. I hated myself and was having a harder and harder time loving others…including my 3 girls. I began to drink heavily and that compounded my depression.
 
By now, I had no mental connection to my abortions and my spiraling depression and self- hatred. I constantly pushed my husband away. I distanced myself from my girls. I suppressed my abortions so much so, that I didn't even make a connection between the slow destruction of myself, and the quick destruction of my babies....because... abortion is okay, right?
 
Over the course of the next 9 years, the self -hatred, anger and depression drove me to the point of attempting suicide in 1998. And that is where I met HOPE. Hope in the forgiveness of Jesus Christ, who covered the sin of my "choice" with His precious blood on the cross. When I could no longer carry the weight of who I was, I fell to my knees as my brain screamed "I want to die!"...Praise God, as I cried out, it became not a head cry for death...but a heart cry for life! Forgiveness was immediate... healing from the scars of my "choice" , and being set free from the silence, would come over the next 7 years. Through a private Bible Study, Forgiven & Set Free recovery program, support from a local Crisis Pregnancy Center and God’s abundant mercy, my husband and I experienced healing. We were able to forgive one another, and openly mourn the absence of our babies at a Memorial Service for the Preborn. I still weep from time to time, not as a condemned woman, but in sorrow of not being able to hold my babies on earth. I long for the day I meet them in Heaven.
I can no longer be SILENT...I am a VOICE for truth.

Friends, I know the statistics. 1 in 3 women exercise their "free choice" to abort...and are then in bondage from their decision. If you are one of them, and have not been HEALED & SET FREE...I beg you, please, seek help to recover. Contact me...you will find nothing but compassion here. My heart is breaking for all who have bought the same lie I did...because, NO...abortion is not right....it's just legal.
But forgiveness is a beautiful thing!

Song of Solomon 6, Forgive!

 Crossroads Church of Denver Pastor Brandon 2/29/2012

Song of Solomon 6

New King James Version (NKJV)

The Daughters of Jerusalem

6 Where has your beloved gone,
O fairest among women?
Where has your beloved turned aside,
That we may seek him with you?

The Shulamite

² My beloved has gone to his garden,
To the beds of spices,
To feed his flock in the gardens,
And to gather lilies.
³ I am my beloved’s,
And my beloved is mine.
He feeds his flock among the lilies.

Praise of the Shulamite’s Beauty

The Beloved

⁴ O my love, you are as beautiful as Tirzah,
Lovely as Jerusalem,
Awesome as an army with banners!
⁵ Turn your eyes away from me,
For they have overcome me.
Your hair is like a flock of goats
Going down from Gilead.

⁶ Your teeth are like a flock of sheep
Which have come up from the washing;
Every one bears twins,
And none is barren among them.
⁷ Like a piece of pomegranate
Are your temples behind your veil.

⁸ There are sixty queens
And eighty concubines,
And virgins without number.
⁹ My dove, my perfect one,
Is the only one,
The only one of her mother,
The favorite of the one who bore her.
The daughters saw her
And called her blessed,
The queens and the concubines,
And they praised her.

¹⁰ Who is she who looks forth as the morning,
Fair as the moon,
Clear as the sun,
Awesome as an army with banners?

 

It always amazes me that when I go to church and listen to the lesson, it fits into the exact place I find myself needing truth. I always feel like God is speaking directly to me. I can walk into the sanctuary feeling lost and unsure, but by the last prayer and the last worship song, I am a new. Wednesday was no different and in many ways more enlightening than usual.


When Scott and I arrived, we saw an old friend sitting in her car in the parking lot. We both got so excited that she was still seeking God in her life. So not to overstep our bounds, we drove to the other parking lot and entered through the other side of the building. She was already in her seat when we walked in, so we found seats some distance away, so not to invade her space. I had a feeling of comfort knowing that we were in the same place listening to the same message, and hopefully understanding our circumstances better. If we never connect in a physical sense again, I hope that she took the same message away with her that I did.. It was so nice to see that she is staying strong in God's word. I hope she knows how much I love her!


As I listened to Brandon deliver his message about forgiveness, my mind took me to many different places and different people. I sat there doing a lot of reflection. I found myself beginning to understand that we all do so much damage to ourselves by letting our pain turn to anger and bitterness as we try to work through the hurt. It so easy for the hurt to turn to hate and before you know it, you have been all consumed by rage. Whether it is a relationship with your spouse, your daughter, a parent, or a friend the process is the same and the pain is always to familiar. Sinners sin, someone or something has to die. But what we need to remember is that Jesus did die, for us. Being a christian and feeling bad when you do bad, simply means that you are listening to your conscious and Christianity is working for you. When you don't feel bad when you do bad, then that's a problem.

Seven Errors to Avoid


Don't speak harshly
Don't confront the person publicly
Never use children against the other person
Never use the term "never" or "always"
Do not get historical
Don't yell
Don't name call


Five Steps For The Sinner (the person that committed the sin)


Respond to conviction
Seek forgiveness through confession and/or apology
Repentance, stop doing it!
Restitution, right the wrong
Reconciliation


The wronged person has 2 choices, forgive or unforgive. You if choose the latter, your life will be full of bitterness, anger, rage, and contempt. Families, kids, and friends will all suffer from your decision. If you forgive, you will be restored. Forgiveness honors God.

Ephesians 4:31-32

New King James Version (NKJV)

³¹ Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. ³² And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

Additional Understanding
Thrive Boston Counseling – 617-513-5433

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS (AND IS NOT)

• Forgiveness is giving up your right to hurt someone who has hurt you.

• Forgiveness does not diminish the wrong done against you.

• Forgiveness is not a denial of what happened.

• Forgiveness does not take away the consequences the other person will face because of his or her actions.

• Forgiveness is an act and a process. Even when a person decides to forgive another person, feelings of relief or healing are usually not immediate. Forgiving someone can be difficult and uncomfortable.

• Forgiveness is not weakness. It is the most powerful thing you can do. It breaks the hold that has been put on your life. Refusing to forgive allows the person or thing that was hurtful to you continue to hurt you.

• Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness does not require you to become a “doormat.”

• Forgiveness does not require you to open yourself up to the offender to be hurt again.

• Forgiveness does not wait for the offender to apologize or earn forgiveness in some way.

ACTION STEPS TO FORGIVENESS

1. Acknowledge the Hurt

• Don’t minimize it or deny the wrong that was done against you.
• Don’t make excuses for the offender.
• Write it down. Journaling is a great way to work through anger and hurt. It organizes your thoughts and helps you acknowledge the truth as you see it in black and white. Sometimes writing a letter to the offender is helpful (this letter is usually not to be sent, but is for working through your own thoughts and feelings).

2. Identify Your Emotions

• When someone does something to hurt you, you might experience regret and anger. These emotions are not wrong, but are a normal response to an offense.
• It is important to identify how the offense made you feel and then to express it. After writing down the offense, write down how you felt when the offense happened and how you have felt since then.

3. Cancel the Debt

• Write a “blank check” of forgiveness.
• You may want to write down the offenses they have done and then write “Canceled” or “Paid in Full” over them. You may want to burn the letter you wrote expressing your grief and hurt.

4. Set Boundaries

• Decide what you need to do to protect yourself from letting this person hurt you again. For instance, if someone is offensive to you verbally, you can choose not to associate with them, or tell them that if they begin to insult you that you will not talk to them until they are willing to speak kindly.
• Don’t continue to look for approval from a person who has hurt you.

5. Make a Commitment to Forgive

• Make a personal or (if possible) public commitment to forgive the person for what they have done.
• Commit to not using the thing they have done against you as a weapon against them.
• When you have doubts about whether you “really” forgave the person, remember the commitment you made to forgive. Remember that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling.

If you are struggling to forgive an offense that was done against you, you are not alone. Forgiving can be an extremely difficult process. The thing about unforgiveness, it will hurt you more than it hurt the person who has wronged you. Some persons have found counseling to be helpful in the process of forgiving and moving on with one’s life. Thrive Boston Counseling – 617-513-5433