Somewhere In The Middle

It was complete darkness with little glimpses of sparkling lights until we arrived somewhere in the middle. That's what the last two years have felt like while raising and fighting within the court system for our two granddaughters, Haylie and Brooklynn. The court battle is over, but we have along ways to go in the training department. We can now see where we are going and the road that will lead us.

Two years ago I didn't know these two little girls. I had seen Haylie on a few occasions, when she was born, when she was 6 weeks old, and then again at 9 months old. Brooklynn was born when Haylie was just fourteen months old. It was said from the beginning that Brooklynn was not my son's biological daughter. Sherry, my ex-daughter in-law, had a extra marital affair which produced Brooklynn. My son was convinced at times that Brook was his, and even if she wasn't, he loved her no less. I refused to get attached because I thought my relationship would be restricted by my son and his wife.

When Sherry and Josh broke the news to me that they were pregnant with their first daughter, I was less than excited, I was mortified for the child. My son can barely read or write and his speech is less understandable then most two year olds. He's not stupid by any means, just extremely lazy! Sherry is a very strange ex meth user who also suffered a traumatic head injury from a motor vehicle accident. She is not very bright but worst of all, she is not a nice person. Josh and Sherry did eventually marry, but didn't spend much time under the same roof. They would fight, one would move out and then later try it again, only to end up apart again. Sherry always had the girls in tote and went from state to state, family to family. She ended up in Utah with a man she met on the internet. Haylie was physically abuse, and Sherry was faced with leaving the boyfriend or giving up her children, she chose the boyfriend.

My son Joshua brought the girls to Colorado and resided at his grandparents house for approximately three week. One morning the grandparents got into a physical altercation and the grandfather attempted to strangle grandma with her oxygen tubing. Grandpa went to jail and Joshua brought the girls to Church service on a Wednesday evening. I have had the girls since that night. Initially our plan was for the girls to stay with Scott and I until Joshua could get settled in his own place. At that point I would help out with the girls in whatever way I could. That plan got changed when he met another woman with a little girl. Josh and his new girlfriend eventually got an apartment with the goal of taking the girls with them. I could see that there was more on the platter than neither adult could see for themselves, so the girls stayed with us. As expected that relationship dissolved and again Josh was homeless and jobless. I was so thankful that the girls did not have to endure another disruption to their short chaotic lives.

Without going into great detail about the incidences that occurred with Haylie and Brooklynn's parents since living with us, the police department advised us to file for custody, which we did the next day. The battle which followed was the most emotionally and financially draining experience of both Scott and I's lives to date. We realized the the honeymoon of our 2 year old marriage was over, and that we were in for the battle of a lifetime. We had no choice but to fight for these two little souls that would have a very undesirable future if we gave up on "our" fight. Believe me, at times I did throw up my arms and asked God for guidance and strength, and through my faith, I was able to stay strong and focused on the goal set before me. There were lots of frustration, anger, caution, and tears over the past two year, but I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel, thank God.

It is extremely difficult to fully give yourself away knowing that it can be taken from you in the next breath. I feel like I have been holding my breath for the past two year, and I can finally exhale, and it is a feeling I didn't know would ever be mine. I had an emotional guard up with the girls, hopefully not in a way that made them feel less loved or wanted. I fought with those emotions every second of everyday, an uncertainty that is more frightening than any other emotion I have experienced. A daily challenge to make it the best day I could, for it might be the last one I get. I know that sound extreme, but that is truly how I felt. Scott and I never talked about the what if...but I know we both thought a lot about it. The possibility of not having the girls and the uncertainty of their future without Papa and Grammie in control of it, was petrifying and at times debilitating.

All of that uncertainty ended on March 27, 2012. An offer came in the way of their mother Sherry's attorney. He contacted our attorney to make the final offer. Sherry would admit that Josh was Brooklynn's biological father, which would halt the paternity order, we would maintain residential custody and sole decision making for the girls. So in reality, she gave up the fight for them. That is sad and exciting all at the same time. Maybe she finally realized that she could not raise them or maybe the thought of being responsible for two little girls became a reality, one that she didn't want to sacrifice for her own selfish reasons. It's saddens me because they are worth it, every child is. It frustrates me that people are so selfish and unwilling to realize how much work it is to raise children. It frightens me that our situation happens more often then I want to imagine. Unwanted God created life, human children lost in the selfishness of this world. Gifts treated like garbage.

The two little girls have had a rough start in life, they have had people come in and out of their short lives. To be around them and to experience the love and need that oozes from their hearts, is purely the love and innocence of Jesus Christ. They rebound from every loss as though God is at the wheel and they have no  resistance towards his promise. To look into the eyes of an abused and neglected child and see nothing but love burning brightly, how can you doubt that God lives in us, for us?

The Bible declares in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 "In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." Don't look at the bad in things, but look at the good and you will always be content. I heard a person once say "If you constantly look at the people that are better off than you are, then you will never be satisfied in life, but if you look at the people that are not as fortunate as you are, then you will always be thankful for what you have."

I want you to be encouraged and remember the blessings in your life and keep in mind the words of the Apostle Paul written in 1 Timothy 6:6-8 "Now godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content."

We are past the crossroads and we only have one direction available, and that direction is forward! Thank you Lord and the glory be Yours!

One Last Moment With You

If I could have one last moment with you, I wonder what I could say that would make you understand that I love you. If I said the words, would you hear me? Would you see me? If I said I'm sad or if I cried out in pain, would you hear me? Would you see me? Would you even care?

"Busted Heart (Hold On To Me)"

What does it take for a person to realize the value of a friend, the value of family, the value of love? Would you miss me if I never made it home or if you never got the chance to hear "I love you?" Do you think about our memories and the days that go by? Do you wonder if I think about you? I do.

I think about all the hate and pain in this World and I think about Jesus and what He gave up, the pain in endured, for us, in order for us to live as sinners and to be forgiven. So much we take for granted, so much we don't see. He gave His life for you and me, and we don't speak. We are angry, we are hurting, we have been divided by conflict, by uncertainty, by words, by hate.

Why? Why? How can you not break? Whether it be separation of blood, love, or both, why does your flesh not bleed? Why? How? The pain in my chest, the pain in my throat, the anguish in my soul, pleases you, makes you feel good, makes you feel just, makes it worth your while. Why? How?

When I think about how you feel, I can only imagine that you're blank, you're over me, you've forgotten. You don't look back, you are pleased, you have won. I wonder what that feels like, to win, to feel accomplished for creating such pain. I must be weak, I must be abnormal, for I feel defeated, lost, confused, beaten, sad, incredibly sad.

If I could have one last moment with you...I would tell you that I miss you, that I forgive you, and that I love you.

Grandparent Influence

Grandparents and step-grandparents influence their grandchildren both directly and indirectly. Direct influences come from face-to-face interaction, and indirect influences are realized through a third party. Consider the phrase, "It's important to be there for your grandchildren." Being there is a concept that can mean physically being present (direct) or emotionally being present (indirect).
When you make phone calls, attend concerts together or take them places, you are directly influencing your grandchildren. When your grandchildren have been confronted with a situation and think about you, knowing you will be available to support them and that you're on their side, you are indirectly influencing them by emotionally being there. You are a role model to your grandchildren.
It's interesting to note the variety of terms used to refer to the many roles grandparents or step-grandparents play. For example:

• Stress buffer
• Watchdog
• Arbitrator
• Roots/family historian
• Supporter

One national survey of grandparents reported that a variety of activities were engaged in with grandchildren such as:

• Joking and kidding
• Giving money
• Talking about growing up
• Giving advice
• Discussing problems
• Going to church/synagogue
• Providing discipline
• Taking a day trip
• Teaching a skill or game
• Watching TV together
• Talking about parent/child disagreements

Several writers have emphasized that grandparents are very important to grandchildren. They are described as "significant others who have a great deal to do with one's view of life." The intergenerational contact reflects a high value for family connection. Grandchildren exposed to such contact are less fearful of old age and the elderly. They feel more connected to their families.
A North Dakota study found that step-grandchildren tend to have less contact with their step-grandparents and consider this relationship less important than grandchildren do with grandparents. However, the children surveyed also indicated a desire for more contact with step-grandparents. Being a step-grandparent can be more challenging than being a grandparent because the role is less clear. As more step-families are formed, more attention will be given to step-grandparenting, and the same influences or benefits found for grandparents will no doubt be found to be as important for step-grandparents.

Making a Memory

Grandparents and step-grandparents can make a lasting story of their lives for their grandchildren. These life stories grow in value to grandchildren as they grow older.
To capture one's life story, videotape significant events, people and places for present and future generations. Even if you're not handy with a video camera, your family will appreciate the commentary and memories shared as you visit points from your past and present.
It's easiest to do this project as a team, with one person taping and the other providing commentary and interviews. This also allows you to "star" in your own movie. So, select a partner and begin.
First, rent, lease, borrow or purchase a video camera. Next, buy some inexpensive videotapes and practice to get used to the machine and what it can and cannot do. When you feel comfortable with the camera, purchase some high-grade videotapes to use as your master copies for future duplicating.
Next, plan on paper who, what, when and where you will be taping.
Some ideas to consider may include:

Family

• Interview parents, siblings, children, cousins and others. Tell some favorite family tales; describe family holidays, sad occasions or any other memorable events.
• Show where your family lived. Take a tour of the house, if possible. Tell how it looked when you were growing up, the color of your room, who you shared the room with.
• Go to the cemetery and walk through the family plot. Death is a part of life. Were or are there family rituals related to caring for the family graves?
• What's your ethnic heritage? Are there things you'd like to share regarding ethnic customs? What does your name mean in your native language? Where did your ancestors come from? When did they emigrate to this country? How did they arrive? How old were they? Does anyone keep in touch with family from the "old country?" What are some of the special stories your family has passed down to each generation?

Education

• Where did you go to school? Tour the building and grounds, if possible.
• Who were your best friends during your school years? Interview them and tell of the things you used to do together.
• Did you have favorite teachers? Interview them, if possible. If not, tell why you enjoyed them or their classes so much.
• What extracurricular activities did you participate in? Do you have any news clippings, uniforms or awards to show for these? How about team photos?
• Did you go to college or a technical school? If so, where and when? What did you study? What were the highlights of these years?

Religion/Spirituality

• Do you have a special story to tell about your journey of faith?
• What aspects of your religion/spirituality are most important to you and why?

Neighborhood and Friends

• Who lived next door, down the road or on your block? Who did you know well and spend time with? Go visit them, and record reminiscing about the special things you used to do together. Bring out the photos, if possible.
• Take a drive through the neighborhood, videotaping the countryside and places that had special meaning as you were growing up. These might include the local grocery store where you bought "penny candy," the softball diamond, places you used to go for walks and where you went to church.
• Who were your friends throughout the years, and what qualities do you think make lifetime friends?

Marriage

• How did you meet your spouse? How long did you court/date before you got married? Where and how did the proposal happen?
• Where were you married? Tour the church/courthouse/chapel, if possible. Describe the ceremony and your wedding day. Who were your attendants? What colors were used? What Scripture or music did you select?
• Talk about your marriage if you feel comfortable. What makes your partner special? What traits do you admire most? Any interesting or fun stories to share?

Work

• Tell about the jobs you've had throughout your life, including homemaking. Tour where you worked last or are still employed. What were some of the greatest challenges in your work? What were you paid on your first job?
• Describe the volunteer work you've done over the years. These may have been in church, at school or as an elected official. What are the fondest memories of your volunteer work? What are the benefits of volunteering?

Extras

• The sky's the limit! Talk about hopes, dreams, regrets. Tell your favorite jokes. Visit about your favorite hobbies; show the finished products.

Once you've completed the taping, edit if necessary, and make copies for your children and grandchildren. Your history is captured for present and future generations to enjoy.

References

Denham, T. & Smith, C. (1989). The Influence of Grandparents on Grandchildren: A Review of Literature and Resources. Family Relations, 38, 345-350.
Sanders, G. & Trygstad, D. (1989). Stepgrand-parents and Grandparents: The View from Young Adults. Family Relations, 38, 71-75.
Special thanks to Gilman and Monica Peterson, New England, N.D., for their "Making A Memory" idea.

For more information on this and other topics, see: www.ag.ndsu.edu

Dear Parent Blamer,

Firstly let me say, stop it.

It’s pathetic and pointless. And for the rest of us innocent bystanders… very annoying.

To be completely honest, we’re sick of your whining, your complaining, your anger, your victim mentality and your inability to see that your current attitude (not some historical event) is your biggest problem. We’re also sick of you blaming your (current) bad behaviour on your parents. What’s standing between you and success right now is YOU. Not your folks, not your history… you. And the fact that you think THEY have sabotaged your life and are somehow responsible for your (current) stupid behaviours and less-than-desirable outcomes, wreaks of denial, immaturity and delusion.

 

Yes, we all get that your childhood, or parts thereof, sucked – welcome to the world’s largest club.

We also get that your old man was periodically a completely insensitive, uncommunicative *%#@* at times. Sadly, that’s what (many) fathers do. And yep, we know that your mother was a selfish cow that time when you were in the eighth (and ninth and tenth) grade; it happens.

Okay, let’s be honest and blunt… some parents are poop. And yes, many of us have been hurt – physically, emotionally and/or psychologically – by our parents. I am not suggesting that you deny your past, but I am suggesting that you don’t live there. It’ll kill you. In ten different ways. Some people have been inhabiting the seventies and eighties and re-visiting their childhood for the last few decades.

No matter how much you think your parents deserve your anger, vitriol and resentment, I’m telling you (1) it serves no positive purpose (2) it will hurt you more than them (3) stop being a big, immature, stupid baby and (4) you and only you, are responsible for your current reality – no matter what your parents have or haven’t done to you, or for you.

Even though you may have a very good ‘reason’ to be eternally pissed at your folks, I’m saying let it go anyway. Move on. And it’s not about what they do or don’t deserve; it’s about what you deserve. If you want to destroy your potential, your enthusiasm, your optimism and your hope, then become a chronic Parent Blamer. Hang on to that hurt, no matter what!

Or you could let me save you some serious time and pain and just believe me when I tell you that being a Parent Blamer is a pointless, destructive, pathetic waste of your potential and emotional energy. And if you’re not careful, a waste of your life. It will destroy you from the inside out. It’s true; some people will die angry, bitter, resentful and tortured souls because they never found a way to let go of the self-perpetuated – yep, read that clearly, self-perpetuated – misery. When you’re still desperately holding on to emotional crud from years ago, it’s YOU that’s the problem. When you’re twenty five, thirty five or fifty five and you’re still thinking, talking and behaving like a teenager who’s mad at their parents, you need a big reality check.

The only thing you can change about the past, is how you let it affect you now.

You may wanna read that again.

Over the years I have worked with people who have blamed their parents for everything from their poor communication skills, dysfunctional relationships, destructive habits and violent behaviours, to their fat body and poor eating habits. What!!! Do you not have a brain in your head? Are you incapable of independent thought? Can you not make your own decisions, choose your own behaviours and be responsible for your own existence? Surely you feed yourself these days? Surely you have some control over what comes out of your mouth? And surely you can choose to do, be and create different in your world.

Perhaps your parents taught you how not to be?

Let me say that I totally understand that your parents weren’t always what they should or could have been for you as a child (caring, supportive, forgiving, understanding, loving, available, guiding, honest). You have my sympathy and understanding but you’re not alone. You’re in a very large majority. The problem with parents is that they’re flawed and that whole ‘being human’ thing kind of gets in the way of parental perfection. If only parents were cyborgs.

Today’s article is the result of an inordinate amount of recent conversations I’ve had with people who are hell-bent on blaming their parents for every aspect of their own miserable and dysfunctional existence. Sometimes the vitriol, the anger, the resentment and dare I say, the absolute hatred, that people hang on to (for decades) amazes and saddens me.

The parental blame game is a slippery slope of self-pity, self-destruction and futility that’s played by far too many people to their own detriment. It’s a game you’re advised to avoid.

-Craig Harper

Put on the Full Armor of God

I just had a wonderful discussion with a friend. So uplifting to know that there are good people with huge hearts among us. In today's life struggles it's so easy to find ourselves in a whirlwind of overwhelming negativity. Sometimes it becomes difficult to hold up the shield that comes with our full armor of God.



Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. (Eph 6:13)



Sometimes life itself becomes so incredible heavy that it's difficult to hold ourselves up, let alone the ones that depend on us to be strong. I am surrounded by an amazing circle of friends and I am always grateful to feel that little tap on my shoulder and hearing, "hey, I'm here and I got your back". What's even my comforting is the feeling of God tightly holding onto my hand, and knowing that He will never let go. Sometimes when I struggle to keep my head above water, two little munchkins will look up at me and say, "Grammy, I love you so much" and "Grammy I want you", while holding out her arms for a hug. The best part is having two little beings snuggled up to you with blankies in tow, as you caress their hair and become overwhelmed with gratitude that the Lord has chosen you to love and guide these little creations through a very difficult world. Glory to Him! Even when others are using evil words and threatening the safety of the ones you are protecting, God is there. He holds you up and sometimes He squeezes your hand, sends someone to whisper in your ear, or sends a friend to your door. How amazing is that? He always rescues, not by making you feel dependent on your own inadequacy's, but by His faith and His love for each of us and hope for the future and strength in His word.

So...what exactly is the full armor of God?" It is the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of readiness and peace, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit.

When a country gets ready for battle (usually) they go with the right equipment and the best there is. You would not send a soldier to fight in a jungle wearing swimming trunks and carrying a water pistol. How can expect to "repel" Satan wearing flip flops and toting a missalette?

The FULL armor of God is sparked by prayer. The soldier's belt is equipped with tool (knife, holster, pistol, extra magazines, hand grenades) and is securely fastened at his waist - easily accessible. It is the foundation of all the equipment used in battle. Jesus is our foundation when we stand against Satan. The breastplate is similar to a bulletproof vest (only not nearly as lightweight as today's Kevlar vests). Remembering that our own efforts and good works will not protect us, we must make our focus on the cross - the righteousness we seek is found in Christ. Our preparation for battle must also the Gospel - the life, death and resurrection of Jesus brought us peace with God. This redemption allows us to fight with boldness, perseverance and peace! The shield - which was generally used as protection and when overlapped one with another, could form a "wall" of protection against the enemy. It also would protect them from flaming arrows shot into the air - we cannot rely on our own abilities in this battle against Satan - by Christ alone are we protected. Our helmet is the source of total deliverance - Jesus IS our deliverance! The sword is the Word of God - it is a powerful tool when used against the enemy and under the direction of the Spirit it has great power.

In all of that, we see that Jesus is our armor! He is our truth, our righteousness, our preparation and peace, the focus of our faith, and he IS the Word of God!

My friends, we are already at war, fighting an enemy who is crafty and clever. Without the protection and guidance of Jesus, we are doomed to fail. You may not have been called to fight at this point in your life, but the time will come and you must be prepared. Start shining up that armor so that when your turn to do battle when the enemy arises, you will already have on the full armor of God!

Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:21)