Firstly let me say, stop it.
It’s pathetic and pointless. And for the rest of us innocent bystanders… very annoying.
To be completely honest, we’re sick of your whining, your
complaining, your anger, your victim mentality and your inability to see
that your current attitude (not some historical event) is your biggest
problem. We’re also sick of you blaming your (current) bad behaviour on
your parents. What’s standing between you and success right now is YOU.
Not your folks, not your history… you. And the fact that you think THEY
have sabotaged your life and are somehow responsible for your (current)
stupid behaviours and less-than-desirable outcomes, wreaks of denial,
immaturity and delusion.
Yes, we all get that your childhood, or parts thereof, sucked – welcome to the world’s largest club.
We also get that your old man was periodically a completely
insensitive, uncommunicative *%#@* at times. Sadly, that’s what (many)
fathers do. And yep, we know that your mother was a selfish cow that
time when you were in the eighth (and ninth and tenth) grade; it
happens.
Okay, let’s be honest and blunt… some parents are poop. And yes, many
of us have been hurt – physically, emotionally and/or psychologically –
by our parents. I am not suggesting that you deny your past, but I am
suggesting that you don’t live there. It’ll kill you. In ten different
ways. Some people have been inhabiting the seventies and eighties and
re-visiting their childhood for the last few decades.
No matter how much you think your parents deserve your anger, vitriol
and resentment, I’m telling you (1) it serves no positive purpose (2)
it will hurt you more than them (3) stop being a big, immature, stupid
baby and (4) you and only you, are responsible for your current reality –
no matter what your parents have or haven’t done to you, or for you.
Even though you may have a very good ‘reason’ to be eternally pissed
at your folks, I’m saying let it go anyway. Move on. And it’s not about
what they do or don’t deserve; it’s about what you deserve. If you want
to destroy your potential, your enthusiasm, your optimism and your hope,
then become a chronic Parent Blamer. Hang on to that hurt, no matter
what!
Or
you could let me save you some serious time and pain and just believe
me when I tell you that being a Parent Blamer is a pointless,
destructive, pathetic waste of your potential and emotional energy. And
if you’re not careful, a waste of your life. It will destroy you from
the inside out. It’s true; some people will die angry, bitter, resentful
and tortured souls because they never found a way to let go of the
self-perpetuated – yep, read that clearly, self-perpetuated – misery.
When you’re still desperately holding on to emotional crud from years
ago, it’s YOU that’s the problem. When you’re twenty five, thirty five
or fifty five and you’re still thinking, talking and behaving like a
teenager who’s mad at their parents, you need a big reality check.
The only thing you can change about the past, is how you let it affect you now.
You may wanna read that again.
Over the years I have worked with people who have blamed their
parents for everything from their poor communication skills,
dysfunctional relationships, destructive habits and violent behaviours,
to their fat body and poor eating habits. What!!! Do you not have a
brain in your head? Are you incapable of independent thought? Can you
not make your own decisions, choose your own behaviours and be
responsible for your own existence? Surely you feed yourself these days?
Surely you have some control over what comes out of your mouth? And
surely you can choose to do, be and create different in your world.
Perhaps your parents taught you how not to be?
Let me say that I totally understand that your parents weren’t always
what they should or could have been for you as a child (caring,
supportive, forgiving, understanding, loving, available, guiding,
honest). You have my sympathy and understanding but you’re not alone.
You’re in a very large majority. The problem with parents is that
they’re flawed and that whole ‘being human’ thing kind of gets in the
way of parental perfection. If only parents were cyborgs.
Today’s article is the result of an inordinate amount of recent
conversations I’ve had with people who are hell-bent on blaming their
parents for every aspect of their own miserable and dysfunctional
existence. Sometimes the vitriol, the anger, the resentment and dare I
say, the absolute hatred, that people hang on to (for decades) amazes
and saddens me.
The parental blame game is a slippery slope of self-pity,
self-destruction and futility that’s played by far too many people to
their own detriment. It’s a game you’re advised to avoid.
-Craig Harper
