Testimony of Mary B.

Dear Friends, I really Don`t know how to start my life story. It will not be on my own strength but by God`s grace I can be able to share my life story. When I was a little child I could still remember that me and my younger sister we used to play with the german kids our neighbor. I used to dream to be married with a blue eyes foreigner and to have a baby blue eyes oneday. I came from a broken family. My father was an alcoholic and drug addicted and he used to hurt my mother physically. He is irresponsible so my mother left us when I was about 2 and half yrs old. She worked in Kuwait as a domestic helper for years ans she never came back for us since then. It`s so hard growing up without mother on your side when you needed her most. When I feel like giving up and no one to help you. My grandparents took care of us. I love my grandmother for not giving us away but my grandfather was not good to us. He started to harassed me in the middle of the night, I was 13 yrs old then. It took years he kept doing this stupid things to me. I was so scared and his footsteps makes me panic. he wanted to rape me even he has a mild stroke when I was at the age of 15 but I run out of the house to stay away from his malicious touch an thoughts. Then that was the time I learned how to smoke cigarettes and get drunk with my friends. It is the only way I could forget the fears I felt inside. I kept my grades high at the same time during my highschool life and pretending I was okay. I became rebellious. I met bad a pastor through a friend.i was looking for a father`s love but he twisted the bible meanings that sex is a relation or communion with God between him and God. He took my virginity when I was 16 and he promised to help me with my studies and school fees.. But that was all big lies. Later I realized i was not the only the victim he victimized sexually abused minor age girls at the church also including me. He accused me that I`m making a story and that I am a lier. No one believes on me. I am so confused and hurt so much, so I took all of his medicines to end up my life that way but i survived and some of my friends at the church abandoned me and they told me things like that I am going insane. I am so downhearted and asked God so many questions why life is so hard. where is the love?... I accept Christ that time but still I have hatred in my heart and no peace. I worked as a masseuse and done bad things just to support myself and to help my grandma to buy food for our hungry stomachs... We don`t have a permanent house. We used to transfer a lot from another house to another house for years while growing up and been sleep in the sidewalk box wooden wheel house so that we could have a place to stay. I grabbed the opportunity to work as a dancer in Kora but I end up as a dancer, It`s a human trafficking that exploits woman as a paid sex worker. I got no choice when I got there and just do the work because my grandma needs my help. She was in many debts and we need to buy a lot to have our house of our own. I experienced date raped, sexually active, I went onto several failed relationships and I got pregnant with a german customer who forced me to have sex with him. I couldn`t believed that I was pregnant holding the pregnancy test. I was shocked. I tried to call the father of my baby. He denied the baby and told me hurtful things... and I cried so loudly thinking he would help me and instead he said to me that he wanted to abort our baby. I went to his apartment but but he never showed his face to me again. I was totally devastated. I feel all alone. Don`t know what to do. I bought some doses of aspirins thinking that it was just a blood or I am just delayed. I can`t sleep, crying every night silently. I used to get myself drunk all the time. So I took the adviced of some of the girls at the club to have abortion. I was lying at the bed hospital for hours. quiet. My heart is full of anger and so much hate inside. Then, the nurse took me inside the abortion clinic. She injected something on me for me to sleep. I felt dizzy for awhile but I am still awake. I could feel the instruments they inserted on me, I panic for they taking away my 39 days baby inside my womb. I said in a whisper to stop it but it was too late. I lost her because of my stupidity and fears... I am so bad.. My baby was gone. It`s almost 8 years ago but still the pain and shame of what I`ve done to her still hurts me. I hate myself so much and I`ve tried to hurt myself often by punching my legs, banging my head on the wall, throwing things to let my heartaches and let my tears flow out when I am alone in the room. It breaks not only my heart but my soul. I am thinking that I am not deserving to be loved or to live but deserve to die and go to hell. I fall inlove and had some relationships but they all abandoned me because of this and my past sins. I feel unlove, unworthy, rejected. Inferior and lonely. I could feel she was a girl and I named my baby "Samara"... I know she is in heaven now with the loving arms of Jesus. Jesus embracing her so dearly. When I imagined about her, I am thinking she has a beautiful blue eyes and cute. If only I have a time machine, If only I could turn back time and make things right... I know it will take time or years before I experience the complete healing from abortion and from all the bad memories. It`s only by the grace of God that gives me hopes everyday of my life. His unconditional loves for me gives me strength to live the life to the fullest by trusting Him to set me free from all the bondages of sins that prisoned me for so long... I just like like to thank God for His goodness and mercy and that I come up with this helpful group that welcomes me so dearly and with love.... Thank you very much..... God bless us all.....